


love never felt so good

by bonbon_asesina



Category: K-pop, SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Eventual Smut, Light Angst, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Pining, Rimming, Romance, You Make My Day Era, dramatic af, skewed ass timeline, slight jeongcheol and verkwan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-07-21 02:49:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16150979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bonbon_asesina/pseuds/bonbon_asesina
Summary: Chan waits patiently for a year while Soonyoung tries to get his shit together.





	love never felt so good

**Author's Note:**

> My first Seventeen fic, and it's a big ol' mess. Please enjoy this monster of a story, my longest ever.
> 
> Title from Michael Jackson song of the same name in honor of our baby boy, Channie.

**June**

Summer days are long and torturous in South Korea

Seventeen is outside on a field like crazy people on the hottest days of the year, the sun beating down on the group of boys, all of whom are being slathered in sunscreen by the makeup artists. It’s a photoshoot for their individual upcoming teasers, the theme of sunshine and beaches ridding the boys of all their protective layers.

No one feels more out of place than Soonyoung, in his mind, probably the palest of the bunch. The stylist never put him in anything too scandalous, seeing as he was in no way one of the “visual” members, a colorful baseball cap and high top sneakers the only real thing he has for protection. He’s never been so grateful of his appearance than he is now, watching from the sidelines and chuckling to himself as Mingyu and Jeonghan are fitted into things like crop tops and cut off shorts.  

As covered up as his skin is, the heat has always been his greatest enemy, the tiny fan sitting on the edge of his bed at all times evidence of that. And although the more layers are aiding in the prevention of the complete destroyal of his alabaster skin, he’s also _sooo_ hot. And it’s not even his turn yet, his armpit stains growing and threatening to boil over any minute now. There’s such a rush of commotion and getting people ready that a stylist hasn’t noticed the abundance of moisture coming off the dance leader’s skin, effectively turning his immaculately straightened bangs into a big bush of humidity.

Soonyoung’s doing the best that he can with what’s available, though, tip toeing onto the made up set and snatching one of the prop umbrellas for himself, stabbing it into the sand near the snack table, turning it into his own little oasis.

He catches an equally sweaty Seokmin eyeing him from across the way, sending him a pleading look that the older has to control himself to not snarl back at. No way he was sharing his hide out with anyone else, his soaked t-shirt requiring all the shade.

He’s got a glare match going with the singer for a while until there’s a hand tapping at his shoulder, snatching Soonyoung out of this fight into another one.

“No I will not scoot over. Steal your own damn prop, you-” The hand that dares to bother him belongs to their little maknae, Lee Chan smirking down at him under a head of curly pink bangs. They’ve put him in overalls (because of course they have), and the older can’t deny that they look adorable on him. He knows Chan hates when they virginize him like that, exploiting his age with embarrassing features like the infamous duck-butt hair and short shorts. But if it was up to Soonyoung, the overalls would stay forever.

“Hoshi hyung,” the younger dancer says, fiddling with something behind his back, “I have something for you.”

The blonde prepares for some kind of gag gift, faking an over excited gasp, placing a shocked hand on his chest. And all of the humor drops from his expression when Chan pulls out a still wrapped orange creamsicle, the perspiration dripping down the younger's palm.

“I noticed you dying back here, hyung.” He giggles a bit before placing it in Soonyoung’s hand, revealing another popsicle for himself from this secret compartment, “I know you hate the heat.”

The blonde is touched, to say the least, holding the frozen treat in his hand like some kind of relic. It feels amazing against the warmth of his palms, having half a mind to place the popsicle inside his shirt.

He’s still contemplating it when he catches Chan rip the plastic wrapper right of the treat, licking the melting juice from the base of the popsicle to the tip. It’s a pretty innocent gesture, but Soonyoung turns away like he’s just seen a murder, fidgeting in his seat to adjust the sudden uncomfortableness in his shorts.

The ringing in his ears is loud enough that he misses Chan’s question, the younger asking him if it was alright to sit under the tiny umbrella with him.

And Soonyoung would normally allow it, even back when he didn’t have an enormous crush on him. But right now it’s a definite no, a ‘yes’ meaning they would have to huddle up closely to catch any kind of cooling from the small prop.

The older already has a protest on his tongue when Chan settles down anyways, planting himself right between Soonyoung’s bent legs, resting his arms on the knees on either side of him.

“See, now we fit!” The pink head says overly cheerily, shooting the older one last smirk over his shoulder before focusing back on the melting popsicle. Soonyoung is so red in the face that he’s sure he _actually_ looks near death now, seemingly mid heat stroke. At least he can’t see Chan licking at his ice cream anymore, can attempt to tune out the exaggerated slurping noises.

Soonyoung’s own treat is quickly melting inside the plastic bag, virtually impossible to enjoy normally now.

As he’s biting a hole into the wrapping so that he can _drink_ his popsicle, the younger leans back from his place between the blonde’s legs, resting his head on Soonoung’s chest.

They fit together rather nicely, their heights very complimentary. Chan must be thinking the same thing cause he looks up at Soonyoung from his place, sending him that brilliant smile once more.

Even with the current predicament in his pants, the performance leader feels a hollowness when it’s the younger’s turn to take his pictures, missing the warmth of his head on his already hot chest.

The feelings are odd and unsettling so Soonyoung pushes them as far back in his thoughts as he can, watching the youngest laugh at the photographers praise from under his tiny umbrella, the shade much too consuming now.

 

**July**

There’s an unsettled lurching in his tummy when he thinks more deeply into what he’s about to do. It’s a perfectly normal act, a man of his age odd and prudish if he didn’t relieve the straining in his pants. He can’t help but to buck into the air, his primitive nature desperately searching for any form of friction. He’s alone in the room for the first time in what seems like years, so it’s almost a disrespect to not take care of his _situation_ right now.

With that thought in mind, he reaches and pulls down his zipper at an agonizingly slow pace, hoping he can trick his stomach into thinking he’s just casually getting undressed after a long day. Except that’s not nearly as close to the truth as he’d like it to be. He and his intestines know very well that he’s locked up and tucked into his bed because he’s trying to rub one out to the thought of his very good friend and colleague who just so happens to be the youngest of their group.

These feelings of sexual attraction and eventual adoration began just after the maknaes 18th birthday, right when the candles on his cake had been blown out. It hadn’t felt predatory, like Soonyoung had been on the edge of his seat waiting for the smaller to enter adulthood. Context of the moment was necessary, deeper understanding of why Soonyoung’s heart dropped into his belly as soon as he realized he yearned for the youngest so deeply.

The entire staff and management team had been there, all of Seventeen and a few close members from friendly groups stood crowded around Chan and waited for the dancer to blow out the candles. Even his parents were there, Mama Lee’s eyes a little glossy from seeing how loved her baby was. And Soonyoung was there, of course, standing right across from the birthday boy. He had been his loud and playful self until they all began to sing for the kid, Chan’s brilliant smile lighting up the entire room. _He’s gorgeous,_ Soonyoung remembers thinking, his heart swelling at how happy the youngest was, his laughter genuine and moving. He hadn’t understood what it meant then, but seeing someone he had grown up with put aside all the stress and pain with being in the spotlight so early being so happy meant everything to Sooyoung. Never had he ever felt so warm just from watching someone else in complete and utter content. Chan had always been Soonyoung’s favorite, but in that moment, he absolutely adored him.

The sexual attraction, the primal want, comes just a few days after his nineteenth, an entire year after Soonyoung first realized how deeply he felt for the boy. He feels dirty for even playing with the image after the moments passed, feels like he’s violating Chan in some way for not asking him thoroughly whether it was okay to picture those thick toned thighs around his waist or hanging of his shoulders onto his back when he’s got a tight grip around himself. He had never ogled the younger in a sexual manner while he was dancing before, but an early morning view of Chan sitting on the kitchen counter, legs swinging back and forth in just an oversized tee had made him realize and remember all those missed, perfect ogling moments. Images of Chan in a choker and dark coal under his eyes come to mind, body rolls, and sweat, and grinding all placed under a deeper desire to romance the boy in a proper fashion. To hold hands with him in shops and wrap his arms around his waist as he baked and be the only person who could make him bend over and clutch his stomach in laughter.

It’s odd to be so old and have such pure, unadulterated feelings for someone else, wanting more than anything to be claimed as theirs and one anothers’. When Soonyoung finds him on the kitchen counter that fateful morning, he wants to make love to him like no one else could, wants to make him cum and scream until his legs are shaking. Before all that, though, the first thing that runs through Soonyoung’s mind is, “ _I want to be yours.”_

And so he’s here now, a long day of practice tiring every muscle but one. Chan wore what he wore everyday, nothing spectacular or out of the ordinary. Except he had leaned up to Soonyoung as if he was going to kiss him and snatched the black cap right off his head. And Soonyoung knew Chan wanted him to chase him, throwing a teasing smile over his shoulder as he walked away, the brim of the hat hiding his newly pink bangs from sight. He should’ve chased him, should’ve gone after his cap and retained some image of normalcy. The warmth of Chan’s chest pressed up against his, and the look of determination set deep in his dark eyes inspired something much more indecent and lustful in Soonyoung's mind. He wasn’t hard or anything, but he knew that if he let his mind wander any more he wouldn't be able to control his bodily reaction to the object of his affection.

“Haha, very funny,” he says, masking conflicted emotions under an unusually stern face, “Can I please have that back so we can stop wasting time?” He doesn’t mean for it to come out so harsh, but he loves the kid more than anything and if he has to follow him around and listen to him laugh then Soonyoung doesn’t think he’d be able to restrain something stupid from coming out.

He tries to ignore that pang of hurt that runs through Chan’s eyes, or the way the chatter in the room silences to listen in on an angry Hoshi. There’s guilt gnawing at his tummy as he watches Chan walk back to him with the cap off his head, a tan arm extended towards Soonyoung.

“Here”, Chan mutters, pushing the hat a little forcefully into Soonyoung's grasp. And he really doesn’t want the hat back, doesn’t even think the group needs anymore practicing for the day, but he grabs it anyways and makes his way back to the center, avoiding glancing at Chan the entire time.

When practiced is over he’s able to catch Chan before he leaves and places the hat back on his brightly colored head. The younger looks up at him, a pushed out bottom lip holding back a childish protest.

Soonyoung pinches his cheek and calls him a baby, bringing them back to normalcy. The blinding smile Chan shoots him is enough to confirm that they’re okay, that the younger still loves his hyung. It’s also what solidifies the want in Soonoung’s gut, what propels him to skip out on dinner, and run home to lock himself in a room.

He pictures fucking Chan softly after a date, kissing him everywhere and reminding the younger how beautiful he finds him. Soonyoung rubs sloppy circles onto the head of his cock, thinking of soft kitten licks and big brown eyes looking up at him. _Would Chan ever want that?_ Does he ever look at Soonyoung and wonder what they would be like together, as a pair, as lovers? He tightens the hold around the base a bit much when he begins to overthink, moving back to images of Chan bent over the kitchen counter, that oversized shirt of his hanging over Soonyoung’s head as he sucks on the baby pink ring between his cheeks. Chan throwing his ass back and begging Soonyoung to fuck him with his tongue has him right on the brink of release, slowing down a bit so as to not finish so prematurely. He’s a goner soon enough, though, images of Chan flushed and whiny as he cums finishing the job effectively.

Soonyoung cums enough for two months worth of celibacy, wonders somewhere in the middle how the fuck he’s going to get all of this off the bed.

He eventually manages to tear both the comforter and the sheets from the mattress, throwing everything into the washer before the boys suspect anything off. He’s freshly showered and dewy just as the group gets home, most making some stupid joke about how Soonyoung has finally bathed after years.

“Hyung,” a very familiar voice calls to him from behind the couch, “I brought you something from the restaurant.” When Soonyoung turns to him, he’s smiling that gorgeous smile of his and placing the take out bag onto the cushions next to him.

He feels like crying a bit so the only response he manages to give is a small head nod and an almost inaudible ‘Thank you’. Chan shoots him a satisfied grin, his cheeks touching his eyes, effectively stealing the breath from Soonyoung’s chest. A rush of guilt runs through him then, reminding him that not a half hour before he was getting off on such filthy thoughts of this pure soul before him. The unreciprocated nature of their relationship sinks something in Soonyoung that hurts much more than any other failed romances of his past.

He glances back at the younger from his spot on the couch, praying for a glimpse of mutual love or wanting. What he finds is both rewarding and heart breaking, Chan laughing at something another member has said, throwing his head back in pure joy. He’s not looking at Soonyoung longingly or laughing at anything _he’s_ said, but the long line of his neck as it tilts back and the sound of his laughter make the pains a little more bearable.

 

**August**

Seventeen has just come back and God has a funny way of making things worse for Soonyoung. Much worse.

Because Jeonghan and Seungcheol break up, everyone’s favorite couple. And of course the entire group is around to watch chaos that is there separation. There are things being thrown around the kitchen and loud sobs coming from the eldest singer’s shower. It’s all quite tragic actually, even considering the two were never actually officially together. Something about miscommunication and “infidelity” is the cause of it, Jeonghan heartbroken over Seungcheol having sex with someone that wasn’t him, the illusion of their romance finally shattering. Although they never claimed each other, there was an obvious push and pull through out the group’s entire career that had the other members at the edge of their seats, waiting for the day when one would finally fess up about their feelings.

Chan takes it the hardest, especially since Jeonghan searches for affection from him when he’s at his worst. Soonyoung catches various conversations between them about the dangers of falling in love, Jeonghan taking his baby’s face to warn him about men and their tricks.

Soonyoung doesn’t want to believe that the growing distance between him and Chan has anything to do with Jeonghan’s advice, but he’s definitely being singled out by the younger. His temper is shorter with him, and there’s an obvious clenching of his jaw whenever Soonyoung says or does anything mildly humorous. He’s not sure what any of the break up fiasco has to do with him, or why Chan would form any kind of resentment towards Soonyoung but it damages their previously sweet relationship nonetheless.

Time passes, weeks go by and they’re reaching the end of August in a hurry. No time to rest with the new comeback, and for Soonyoung that means no time to cry over lost loves. The overdramatics of before are silenced under the hustle of music shows and concerts. While it’s nice to have peace at night when everyone quickly passes out of exhaustion, unanswered questions and fear of the unknown sometimes keep Soonyoung up for longer than he’d like, an unsaid wedge formed between him and the youngest.

 

**September**

Things are calming down in the dorms. The seasons are changing and the crisp air has inspired a movement in Soonyoung that seems altogether untrue.

He’s seeing someone. A female idol under his same label.

They meet at one of those award shows, the one’s where only the most popular groups are awarded, and everyone else gets to dress nice and act stupid in front of live audiences. They present something together, “Best Choreography” he _thinks._

It’s quite professional until he has too many of the discreet wine flukes they’re being offered. After a while she becomes a little too tempting and familiar. He drags her into a storage closet about halfway through the show, fucks her against a mop while she tries hard not to ruin her dress. When he gets back to the boys after, flushed and a bit unkempt, mostly everyone sends him a knowing look that he laughs off, suddenly just a group of frat bros at a party trying to get laid.

(He doesn’t look at Chan the rest of the night, though. Can’t remember hearing his boisterous laughter along with the other boy’s, something obviously missing.)  

They’re not really _seeing_ each other, per se, rather walking around town holding hands and feeding each other in trendy restaurants. They have sex from time to time, very unhealthily considering Soonyoung is still tragically in love with a specific maknae, but it’s good. It’s average and heterosexual and mundane.

The relationship doesn’t change his feelings in anyway, but rather, serves as a distraction from the inevitable. There’s no boyfriend/girlfriend labels and no false qualms of love, but she gets free meals and occasional orgasms, and Soonyoung gets to wean himself off of thoughts of Lee Chan. There’s also a tiny part inside of him that hopes maybe, possibly the younger is the slightest bit jealous, an obviously delusional thought.

Chan himself is changing everyday. He’s at a crossroads in his life, growing into himself beautifully. His arms and thighs are filling up, years of exertion rewarding him. His voice is lowering, and he’s finally moving from cheap disposable razors into his very own fancy one, fitting nicely in his shower caddy. The maturity is still there, just as it always has been, except now it’s much more fitting.The baby face remains the same, though, the only thing being that it’s framed by a much stronger jaw, rivalling all his hyungs in sharpness.

The youngest is aging so gracefully and Soonyoung has never adored him more, the sentimental side in him only quietly mourning the loss of his baby, the larger side in great awe at the beautiful man.

The older thinks that they’ve moved past the awkwardness, probably an illusion, though, considering the rarity of their alone time. It’s been two months since they were their old selves and time is making the distance much more complacent. Soonyoung luckily has this new girl to stuff into whenever he starts to wade beneath the surface of his thoughts, running to her whenever Chan looks as if he might be able to forgive him for whatever he _thinks_ Soonyoung has done.

It becomes increasingly difficult towards the end of september, though, sloppy kisses on his sex from his “girlfriend” unable to hide the warmth of fading pink heads on his lap. It’s what Chan and he do, it’s what they’ve always done. Except now it feels as though the younger is using it to tell him something, something Soonyoung is much too scared to look into. The cuddles are a bit out of nowhere, but the eldest doesn’t dare shy away from it, doesn’t dare to push Chan’s hesitant form off of him.

 _He’s testing the waters,_ Soonyoung thinks. The only thing he can do is make sure Chan knows it’s okay to come back in.

 

**October**

Fall comes so gracefully that summer seems almost like a distant memory. The leaves are shades of oranges and browns, and Seventeen find themselves reaching for second layers more often than not. They’re resting for a bit, just before holiday promotions begin. They’ve got performances here and there that keep their schedules filled, but mostly they get to bed on time.

Things are settling down from their August comeback and the threatening free time is making some of the members a bit antsy. What Seungcheol and Jeonghan had was stuffed under a dresser that is slowly losing its footing, the issues still present waiting to be revealed. Soonyoung doesn’t think they’ll fight again, _hopes_ that there’ll be no more tears. There’s a tiny piece in all of them that wishes the two could finally get together, but the more realistic side prays for peace.

But Chan wants them to be in love.

Wants them to confess under stars their undying feelings, and kiss just as the wind picks up. A secret romantic, of course, wanted a great reunion after such a horrible end.

As much as he wants his hyungs to finally be happy, a lot of it is for himself. He’d like to see some proof that unbelievable, and unlikely pairings like Jeonghan and Seungcheol can have a happy ending.

All is well until Chan realizes that none of that is actually going to happen and the two have seemingly moved on with their lives. They aren’t seeing anyone else (at least Chan doesn’t think so), but they communicate like they did before. Seungcheol is ever dominant and authoritative, while Jeonghan lounges around the house and gets nagged at for not helping out with weekly cleaning. The only difference comes when the singer could just bat his eyelashes at the leader and get out of doing any work, now he just delivers his usual quip and begins to actually finish the task. It’s a bit scary how submissive Jeonghan has become now that he no longer uses his pretty privilege toward Seungcheol, but Chan supposes it’s better than them arguing all the time.

Soonyoung likes them together, too, but he’s not nearly as invested in their love life as the younger is. He has his own difficult love life to attend too. The girl he’s been seeing has invited him to their groups annual Halloween bash, deciding early on that they would be going as either a reverse Claire Danes and Leonardo DiCaprio from _Romeo+Juliet,_ or as a more simple Joker and Harley Quinn. Soonyoung opts for the ladder as Seventeen had watched _Suicide Squad_ an approximate 80 times and he knows Jared Leto’s outfit to a tee, but the woman in armor get up is much more appealing to her so he finds himself at a local pharmacy stocking up on silver glitter and a large enough pair of angel wings.

 _It does look rather nice,_ Soonyoung decides as he inspects himself in his closet mirror. He’s dressed in all white, making it a bit his own by pairing the outfit with his scuffed up pair of white Nikes. There’s large amounts of glitter coating his eyes around very light layers of red liner to give him a much more romantic, dewy eyed look. With the bleach blonde hair and the white leather jacket he looks a bit like some kind of glam rocker, but he likes the idea of that much more appealing than this damsel in wings.

A few of the guys are going as well, seeing as they were all generally friendly with Soonyoung’s girlfriends’ group. For the first time, he isn’t wearing some ridiculous matching outfit with the gag trio, though, the only one of the three in a somewhat stable relationship. Seungkwan and Seokmin are going as Sailor Moon and Sailor Venus, and Soonyoung is of course inherently jealous.

The only ones staying home are of course the sloth line of Jeonghan and Wonwoo, the brooding and artsy Minghao, and for the first time in years, little Chan is filling up bowls of popcorn and settling down on the couch for a lonesome movie marathon.

Soonyoung had asked him why the day before, specifying that he was more than welcome to join them at the party. He doesn’t want to believe that the sadness in Chan’s smile has anything to do with him, but it’s subtle enough that the older can pretend he’s merely misreading the expression.

“No, it’s alright,” the smaller dancer had said, avoiding Soonyoung’s gaze, “Your first boring Halloween is the mark of adulthood, remember?” There’s a forced chuckle after that mixes the blonde’s insides a little, but he accepts the excuse anyways, not wanting to push, fearing that this _almost_ normalness in their relationship would be compromised.

 

Soonyoung comes down the stairs to wolf whistles and cheering, the boys clapping him on the back for not only coming out, but for “being such a good boyfriend”. He looks around at the array of costumes, cackling loudly at a hairy and scantily dressed Seungkwan and Seokmin.

Eleven members should be enough approval, but Soonyoung still finds himself searching for the most important pair of eyes. Watching him melancholically and with what could be interpreted as a longing stare is the maknae, sending the angel a soft smile when their eyes meet.

The younger himself is dressed in an oversized hoodie and matching black boxers, his eyes dark with smudged under eyeliner from earlier. He’s completely unkept and natural, the loss of glamour fitting him so beautifully.

Soonyoung takes a few steps towards him as if in a trance, a teasing smile on his lips.

Chan smiles back, not quite reaching his eyes, “You look good, hyung.”

“Good?”

“Great, actually. Heavenly.” The younger corrects with a snicker, hiding his smirk behind the long sleeves of his sweater. He’s peering up at him with those smoky fox eyes, and Soonyoung has half a mind to tear the stupid wings off and throw himself next to the younger. Nevertheless, he straightens his leather jacket and reaches a hand to fluff up Chan’s hair, his heart swelling at the way the maknae leans into him like a kitten.

“Come with us.” Soonyoung says before he can catch himself, a slight plead in his tone that has Chan snapping his head up.

And the eldest doesn’t want to look too deep into the way Chan looks at him with glossy eyes and gently shakes his head, the others are dragging him out the door before he drops everything and takes the smaller into his arms.

 

The girls’ dorm is much larger than he expected, especially considering the group isn’t _that_ well known. The decorations are very fitting to the date, a flashing strobe light and smoke machine giving it that obnoxiously scary ambiance. They passed out glow sticks at the door so there are scattered neon colors coming from everywhere but Soonyoung can’t seem to turn his on. Halloween isn’t even really a celebrated holiday in Korea, but there’s an unsaid amount of expendable money floating around the air that life as an idol has made him accustomed to.

There’s familiar faces everywhere that his other group members have latched onto, but Soonyoung is really only here for one person and he might as well start his boyfriend duties now. He spots his matching knight by the refreshments, a group of famous girls surrounding her that snicker and flush when they catch sight of him in his full get up. When she finally sees him, there’s more of an appreciative smirk than a longing or romantic stare, but it’s nonetheless comforting.

“Hey handsome,” she slurs a bit, pushing the girls back a bit so she can get her arms around him. It’s a quick hug, nothing too scandalous, and Soonyoung actually feels like he’s meeting up with a good friend. There’s a little voice somewhere in his head reminding him that that's essentially what they are, the entirety of his heart belonging to someone who wasn’t there.

He laughs when she accidently nudges his nose with the heavy metal of her elbow, surprising the dancer with how sturdy the costume actually is, “Woah! Be careful, Iron Man.” She giggles at that, and the group of girls still behind them swoon. It surprises Soonyoung how he could ever be perceived as “dreamy”, but he supposes they look good together, the contrast of their heights and hair colors making them seem like an ideal pair. _If only they knew,_ some negative nerve is yelling inside of him, smothered down by the drink she offers him. It’s pink with little pieces of fruit floating around inside of it, but the strong punch of vodka almost knocks him off his feet.

When he finishes the cup while simultaneously chit chatting with his friends-in-law, his brain is a bit fogged up, enough to start tapping his feet to whatever loud pop song is playing in the background. His second cup effectively has him moving from his spot, and dragging his girl onto the dance floor.

Soonyoung is an excellent dancer of course, but the alcohol has him feeling loose and airy. He’s moving like a complete idiot, arms and legs resembling one of those car dealership balloon people. It’s making her laugh, though, which in turn makes him laugh, so he supposes he’s actually having a good time.

Except for when there’s that 30 second break between songs, and she becomes more serious for just a split moment, looking up at Soonyoung with those eyes. And the goddamn shape of them is what gets him in trouble, the foxiness and length reminding him so much of somebody else. They’re dark against more olive toned skin, and she has a similar jaw structure. The wind in his chest leaves him in a cold rush.

He takes her face into his hands, another peppy song starting up around them. The rest of the crowd is completely ignorant to what’s going on, but there’s a storm in Sooyoung's heart that’s struggling to break free.

Maybe she realizes it before he does, but Soonyoung is the one to react, turning on his heels and pushing his way through partygoers to the nearest exit.

There’s only a few people outside, but they begin to hurriedly file out when they catch  a glimpse of the pain in the dancer’s face. He leans his entire weight on the balcony railing, perhaps unsafe considering how old these buildings are. There’s only a few civilians beneath him, some elderly couples and moms walking along with their dogs in tow. Soonyoung wonders if they can hear his thoughts from down there. They’re so loud he doesn’t see how they couldn’t.

“It’s the boy, huh?” He hears from behind him, “The baby.”

And it sounds so perverted coming from someone else’s mouth like that, but he supposes she’s not wrong.

“I’m sorry,” and he really is, “I should've told you.”

She scoffs a little bitterly, “Yeah you should have.” Soonyoung looks back down at the people below, the guilt rising throughout his body like helium. There’s nothing he could really say to excuse himself, and she has all the right to throw him right off the balcony. There’s a part of him that honestly wishes she would.

He more feels the radiating heat of someone joining his side than actually sees, not looking up once from the solid view he has of the couple taking a stroll below them. He’s not sure how close she is until he hears the clink of her armor hit the railing next to him. He’s too ashamed to turn and look at her, but she looks so pretty under the moonlight, that he can’t help but follow the length of her long black hair up to her face.

And he likes her, he really does. She’s beautiful, and talented, and kind, and it makes Soonyoung feel like shit knowing that he’s hurt her. Soonyoung likes her, but he doesn’t _love_ her. Doesn’t have it in himself, not when all the love he has has been placed on the youngest boy back at home. He’s trying hard not to have his thoughts linger to him, but the alcohol settling in his belly is making it hard to move his attention away.

He loves him, he loves him, he lo-

“I don’t think I look like him.” She says, effectively snapping him back into focus. There’s a hint of teasing in her voice, and Soonyoung realizes the ridiculousness of the situation.

“You don’t. I promise you don’t.” He says from the palms of his hands, stifling his laughter into his skin, “It’s just  your eyes.”

Soonyoung takes a longer look at her, “And your coloring, too, I guess.” She smacks his arm playfully, contagious laughter breaking the awkwardness of before.

“Don’t say that to me, Soonyoung. Don’t tell your ex-girlfriend she reminds you of the _guy_ you’re in love with.”

And he doesn’t even flinch at the “ex” part, the prefix completely fitting. He takes her smaller hand in his, bringing her in for what would probably be their last hug.

“We were good together, weren’t we?” He says more to himself than to her, surprised when she actually responds.

“Yeah we were.” She pulls away, pushing his platinum hair back, “The sex was fantastic, Soonyoung.”

He laughs audibly, tucking her under his arm and bringing them back into the life teeming inside, Minseo, his knight, laughing in a way he hadn’t heard since they got together.

A weight has been lifted off his shoulders, one much heavier than the giant wings he currently had strapped onto them.

  


The group comes home past the managers scheduled bedtimes at 1 AM, most completely hammered out of their minds. Luckily, Soonyoung isn’t one of them, joining the small group of Seungcheol and Joshua in carrying everyone safely to their respective beds. It proves difficult when both Seungkwan and Seokmin refuse to be seperated, yelling about things like “sailor unity” or whatever in Soonyoung’s face. He successfully wrangles them both into their separate beds after 20 minutes of bargaining, promising them that they could sleep in their costumes if they went to bed right away.

Joshua’s done with his members at the same time, and shoots Soonyoung a quick “goodnight” before hopping onto his bunk, not even bothering to wipe off the alien makeup he has on. Seungcheol is the last to excuse himself, patting the younger on the back before following a bare faced and determined Jeonghan into the bathroom. Whatever is happening between them, Soonyoung doesn’t want to know, hoping they can keep their “reunion” noises down to a minimum so as to not wake up the others.

He goes to pick up his quickly discarded shoes from the living room when he spots a dark, huddled up form on the couch, the space tinted blue from the color of the movie playing. _Finding Nemo._

“Chan?” Said figure turns to him, the coal under his eyes a little smudged, smile tired. “What’re you still doing up?”

And the youngest doesn’t have an answer for him, merely lifting up the end of his duvet, inviting Soonyoung to slip in. He does so hesitantly, removing and dropping his wings next to him as he settles down under the sheet. Chan quickly makes himself at home, always the cuddly type. He scoots his bare legs over the older’s, pulling him in until he’s mostly sitting on his lap.

For the first time he realizes that Chan _knows_ Soonyoung is his, knows that the blonde is gone for him. He doesn’t even ask if he can lean his entire weight on his chest, turns his head to the movie as if nothing had happened.

The older dancer combs down the pink hair out of instinct, wrapping his arms tighter around Chan’s tiny waist.

“How was the party?” The smaller asks, eyes still intently watching the screen.

“Meh,” Soonyoung replies, tucking the strawberry mop under his chin, “You didn’t miss anything.”

“And Minseo?” Chan asks after a brief pause, lifting his head off his chest to look at him. He’s staring so deeply into the blonde’s eyes, that he can only shake his head in response, answering all of the younger’s questions with the movement.

“What happened?” He asks, his dark eyes searching for something in Soonyoung that he wasn’t yet ready to reveal.

“It’s relationship things, Chan. They’re hard to explain.” And Chan hates being belittled, hates feeling like he’s any different than the other members, but he doesn’t ask anymore questions after that, settling his head back on the older’s chest.

The movie plays for a while after that, only occasional giggles breaking up the silence. Time passes before anyone speaks again, Chan breaking the other out of his own thoughts with that same wishful gaze.

“Are _you_ okay?” And Soonyoung realizes that he hadn’t even been thinking about the break-up, involved completely in the warmth and domesticity between him and the younger.

He tilts his head down to make eye contact with the boy on his lap, a rush of air escaping his chest when he finally catches on to the look, what Chan was asking for in his stare.

He wants Soonyoung to kiss him. It’s the perfect time to do it, too. All the members finally in their beds and unaware. And the older dancer is suddenly available again, here, pliant under their little giant.

And he may have kissed him if the events of tonight hadn’t happened hours before, if the taste of alcohol wasn’t still lingering on his tongue. He wasn’t drunk, but he also wasn’t right enough in his mind that he could make this the best kiss of Chan’s entire life. Maybe even the most memorable first.

So he looks away from that gorgeous stare, and moves it back to the TV. Chan lets out the tiniest of sighs but nonetheless settles his head back on the olders chest.

When he does take that step forward with Chan, he wants it to be perfect. The dancer is much too young to be disappointed now, Soonyoung making it his personal duty to give him the best love story he could ever ask for.

He’s not sure if the feelings of tonight will follow through into the morning, but the soft intimacy of the moment have created a memory that Soonyoung doesn’t think he could ever forget.

  


**November**

Winter comes like rain. There are few wilting trees scattered throughout South Korea, but as the month comes to an end, it seems that everything has died all at once.

Contrary to the weather, the house is happier around this time of year. Cold nights call for hot drinks and big blankets, sweater paws a must in the Seventeen dorm. It’s the awkward in between month where it’s too soon for a comeback, yet too late to continue heavy promotion. A time of rest essentially, one where the group members can start reflecting on themselves.

Soonyoung finds it hard to have all that freenness, doesn’t really like being alone with his thoughts for such a long time. It feels different this year, though, especially considering the shift that his and Chan’s relationship has gone through.

They’re more affectionate than ever, the coldness providing a perfect excuse for closeness and cuddling. In the beginning, when he had just realized his feelings, Soonyoung had hoped that they would be gone in a few months time. November has proved to him that this was nowhere near the case, his dreams and shower sessions still filled with thoughts of the two finally getting together.

He hadn’t cum in a few weeks, so he finds it perfectly reasonable to wrap his palm around himself as the water hits him in streams from above. And images of Chan on his knees begging for the weight of his sex on his tongue turn him on like nothing else. When Chan goes back to dark brown mid month, Soonyoung spends extra time under the shower head, picturing that gorgeous head thrown back as he bounces on Soonyoung’s cock, screaming the elders name like a mantra.

It’s so, _so_ filthy, but it’s the only thing the dancer can do to not hastily and recklessly ruin his slow and steady plan to romance the younger. In addition to the extra “alone” time, Sooonyoung has taken it upon himself to demonstrate how thoroughly whipped he is for the younger. He carries his things for him, working as a personal assistant whenever he can. He buys things that remind him of Chan when he’s out, being sure to bring him back his own meal from whatever restaurant they’ve just gone to without him, even if multiple members had stayed behind as well. The others just look on sadly as Chan munches on his black bean noodles, Soonyoung shooting him figurative heart eyes the entire time.

He encourages the younger to stay up later with him, looking for any opportunity to snuggle up to the smaller. The excuse is that they need to get through some kind of film collection before the year ends, but Soonyoung always makes it his duty to pull Chan into his lap halfway through. And the older has obviously been gaining confidence in their relationship, burying his face in the youngers neck when those big sweaters slip to one side. He kisses the exposed shoulder sometimes, loving the way Chan giggles and playfully nudges him away. And Soonyoung always has his arms wrapped around the smaller. Never with too much pressure or restraint, making it clear that the younger is free to move away whenever he’d like. But he never does, even occasionally placing his hands over the older’s arms, encouraging him to tighten his hold.

They’re dating. _Essentially_. Not technically, and not with any labels, but it definitely feels like a relationship to them. They haven’t kissed, or made any bolder movements towards each other besides the occasional shoulder peck, but the emotions behind everything feel much more than “just friends”.

And Chan is in love.

He’s barely of age, and his heart is too tiny to truly understand what he wants to get himself into, but he’s never felt so sure about anyone.  

He wants those late night touches, the giggles and smiles marked onto each other’s skin. And Soonyoung is his best friend, knowing him better than anyone in the entire world. He can’t be sure, but Chan has always been rebellious.

It’s terrifying, wondering whether someone so close like that could possibly want to move forward. And Chan knows he’s no Minseo, can’t compete with curves and long hair and soft skin, but he doesn’t think she could have ever cared about Soonyoung like Chan does. He’s not much, but he knows he’s a good person, knows he’s always been good to the elder.

Maybe, possibly, all the love he had to give in his small frame would make it all okay.

 

**December**

December is hectic, more hectic than anyone expected it to be. Preparation for comeback shows take up most of their time, surprise covers and mashups for fans unusually challenging this year. Part of the hold up may be due to the blossoming relationship two of the groups main dancers are partaking in, choreography taking much longer to piece together.

And of course no one says anything, not at this time of year when they’re just so grateful that they’ve finally found each other. Of course, everyone is completely oblivious to the fact that they haven't actually “found” each other, the same flirtation and hesitance continuing on to the next year.

The group has time to be with their families for only a few days, rushed hugs and gift exchanges taking up most of their time back home. Soonyoung and Chan don’t even get any time alone around these last days of December, the potential romance and dramatics that can come from a Christmas confession lost to too little time.

But Soonyoung is able to avoid all the hysteria and panic that comes with Christmas shopping by buying Chan’s gift somewhere between September and October, finding the perfect present for the smallest dancer. And it’s only because he loves the kid so damn much that he’s okay with the load he had to drop to pay for the item. Well, _items_.

Soonyoung is grateful for the time he gets to spend back in Namyangju with his family, and his sisters out of the house so he’s basically worshipped by his parents, but a piece of his heart feels empty. He feels stupid for being so needy, but it only increases when his mom asks about Minseo one night over dinner. Mama Kwon unsuccessfully tries to hide her disappointment when her son let’s them know that he hasn’t been in a relationship with her since October.

“But there someone else?” She asks tentatively, knowing by the way Soonyoung blushes that there _is_ a hidden love interest.  

“No, ma,” he responds, eyes focused on cutting the chicken before him, “I’m just focusing on the group right now.”

And it’s not a lie, per se, but his mother still shoots him a knowing smirk before serving herself some more kimchi.

When they all make it back home, only a couple of days are left before the end of year shows. Everyone is stuffed and lazy eyed from a few days away, so Soonyoung allows the day off of practice so that everyone can assimilate themselves back into work mode. And he also quickly makes plans with Chan to steal him away from the masses as soon as the sun sets, Seungcheol only allowing it if they went to bed straight after.

They meet in the living room (like always). Chan adorable and clad in his new matching flannel pajama set that one of his aunts gifted him. His hair is tousled and the sleeves of the top fall below his fingertips, making him look much younger than he actually is. When he catches Soonyoung peaking around the corner of the hallway his faces shifts into the most beaming and genuine smile he has ever given, a sense of relief washing over him when they finally get to spend some time alone together.

“Hey,” he greets into his paws, tucking his bare feet under him, making room for his not-boyfriend.

“Hi,” Soonyoung replies, perhaps a bit too cheerfully. He’s got on sweats and a graphic tee with some random anime on it that his sister thought he would like, and he does actually, the flashy colors perfectly in line with his personality. He’s also got a sheepish grin on his face, giving up on trying to hide the wrapped gifts he has hiding behind his back.

“Whatcha got there?” The younger laughs, amused by how completely failed Soonyoung’s attempt at being sneaky was. The blonde places, one of the items on Chan’s lap without a word, nudging it closer with every second that passes.

The brunette breaks into more laughter, deciding to stop teasing the older and finally open the sloppily wrapped gift. It looks like some kind of giant envelope, a little puffy but mostly flat. Chan carefully tears at the decorative paper with shaky fingers, going especially slow to get on Soonyoung’s nerves.

He loses his breath when he finally unveils the face on the cover, his inspiration and idol plastered all over. It’s a limited edition “Bad” vinyl album, Michael Jackson in his signature leather jacket staring Chan down. He balances it in his hands, the weight of it signaling to the younger that there was an actual record inside.

“ _Oh_ , Soonyoung.” He says without looking up, running his palms over the glossy surface, “Thank you so much.”

It takes him a while to step out of the trance and turn back to the blonde, reacting quickly to his hesitant and waiting gaze, “Oh thank you, hyung! I love it.” He says, not realizing the storm currently going on in Soonyoung’s body when he throws his arms around the elder and settles in his lap. Chan’s clutching onto him tightly, and repeating a mantra of “thank you”s into his hair, straddling and trapping the blonde between his thighs.

“Your welcome, baby.” And Soonyoung didn’t mean to add the last part, but it rolls of his tongue so naturally that he doesn’t even try to take it back. Chan pulls away and flashes him that brilliant smile, making the older tighten his arms around his waist. There’s tension in the air for a bit, before he looks back down at the new album in his lap, stroking the lamination with his thumb.

“I wish I could play it,” he says softly, the smile ever present on his lips. Soonyoung lets out a startled “oh!’ before he leans as far as he can with Chan still on his lap for the other wrapped box tucked not so discreetly under the couch. The look the younger shoots him is one of disbelief, Soonyoung feeling a little ridiculous that he actually got him two gifts.

“Oh my God,” the brunette drawls teasingly as he discovers the contents inside the once again horribly wrapped package. It’s a portable record player (one of the smaller ones because Soonyoung isn’t rich), a baby blue system that he had found at some big electronics company. It wasn’t too much considering it wasn’t one of those old looking hipster-y ones you see on Instagram, but the two gifts together is definitely the most Soonyoung has spent on a present for one person. And it’s all worth it. Especially since Chan has that look on his face that is both genuinely happy, but also a mask he wears when he’s afraid of showing _too_ much emotion. They’re relationship isn’t really cheesy or overly romantic like dramas often depict, but Soonyoung can tell that the younger is holding back so many more words of gratitude.

The smaller places the player still in its box temporarily on the coffee table behind him. Turning back to Soonyoung and scooting in, their chests touching. He looks confident, but the slight trembling of his arms as they’re placed back around the oldest neck reveal the truth. The lights of the living room are dim so as to not disturb the others, but Soonyoung can still map out the younger’s features perfectly. The shape of his nose and lips are slightly illuminated and discolored by the twinkling of the christmas lights still hanging on the walls. His face is a rainbow of changing colors, but his eyes are dark, searching for something intently in Soonyoung’s eyes.

The blonde makes the courageous move for him and leans up, simultaneously pushing a gasp out of Chan when his pelvis thrusts up into his own. He closes the distance between them without hesitation, too much intimacy and peace in the moment preventing him from wussing out. And Chan’s lips feel just like he imagined, soft and plushy and timid.

The younger is trying to hard to hide the fact that this is his first ever kiss from Soonyoung, slotting their lips together like he had seen in movies. He’s not sure where to take it after a few moments, so the taller helps him out, pressing the boy in his lap a bit closer and leaning further up to push the kiss forward. There’s a tingling in his lower belly that he hopes Chan feels, too, his hands shaky from all the fireworks going off in his head.

He quickly decides that the younger is a really good kisser, pushing the thought of who he had done this with before to the back of his head. After a little encouragement, Chan is the one to initiate tongue, turning the kiss from something sweet and soft into more adult territory.

He starts moving his lips more confidently, little moans filling Soonyoung’s mouth and nether regions. When the older moves to kiss his neck, he realizes he’s gone maybe a bit farther than expected, a little whimper from Chan’s lips notioning to him that it was time to pull away. The moment is much too pure for the blonde to get a hard on, especially with the weight of the younger’s bottom pressing into his crotch.

He loosens his hold on the maknae’s waist slowly, kissing Chan one, two, three more times before moving back down and away from those pouty lips. The smaller is staring down at him breathlessly, smiling sweetly when he catches Soonyoung’s eyes. They’re uncharacteristically shy after, the brunette shifting so that only his butt is on Soonyoung’s lap, tucking his blushing face into the crook of the older’s neck.

The “thank you for the presents, hyung” is muffled, the older chuckling at his usual firecrackers change in persona, a hesitant bean now in his place.

The blonde looks down at his bean briefly before reaching for the now forgotten record player, placing it on Chan’s lap, “Should we try the album?”

Chan smiles that cheeky, loud smile again, all teeth and eye squints. They unbox it together and place it back on the table, reading the manual for 15 minutes before they finally realize all you really need to do is lift the handle with the little needle up, place the vinyl on it’s correct side, and lower it by the edge of the record so the album plays in its entirety.

They snuggle back on the couch when the music starts to play, Chan taking Soonyoung’s arm and passionately singing into his fist. He unsurprisingly knows every song, and the constant tap of his feet tells the older that he probably knows all the choreographies as well. The older is looking at him with the biggest heart eyes, singing along when he can but mostly just admiring the scene in front of him. He loves seeing him this happy, loves that he can make the little giant smile and laugh like that. The boys should be asleep, so Soonyoung’s sure they’re not disturbing anyone, letting Chan do as he pleases as loudly as he’d like.

A slower song starts, and Chan has settled down for the moment, humming it to himself and closing his eyes, softly swaying. And Soonyoung has to pretend he knows this one so he can get the younger on his feet, pulling him away from the carpet and onto the hardwood flooring. He’s dragging him on to the makeshift dance floor as the brunette laughs heartily, trying to pull his arm away from the older’s grasp.

Soonyoung quickly lets go, straightening his stance and tucking one arm behind his back. His mouth is serious but Chan knows he’s up to something. “Would you, Lee Chan of Iksan, please do me the honor of dancing with me?” He says very seriously, bending at the waist and presenting his hand to the cackling younger on the couch.

And Chan is much too playful to refuse that offer, exaggeratedly curtsying before taking the larger hand in his own. He almost falls over in laughter when Soonyoung clumsily spins him, the music in the background definitely unfit for waltzing. They try for a bit, but even as trained dancers, they are unable to keep from stepping on each other’s feet. About a minute into the song, Chan decides that it would perhaps be much easier to resort to good old fashioned prom slow dancing, wrapping his arms around the taller’s neck, the ladder pulling him in by the waist. Their height difference is quite obvious like this, the younger leaning up on the balls of his feet to press his lips to Soonyoung’s once again, the cliches and romanticism of the setting spurring some agency in his tummy.

They’re merely swaying, the task at hand much more important than finishing their dance routine. Chan is kissing him much more forwardly now, massaging his tongue against the blonde’s confidently. The soft music does nothing to hide the younger’s moans, oblivious to the effect they’re having on Soonyoung’s hormones. The older has half a mind to pick him up and press him against the wall, increase those gorgeous noises.

He really, really wants to, especially when the smaller pulls away and stares up at him so lovingly. He’s asking for something that Soonyoung _knows_ he’s not ready for, something the older is trying so hard not to give him. There’s a disappointment in Chan’s eyes when they seperate, the older murmuring something about it being late and having to wake up early tomorrow. He tries to swallow down the pang in his chest at the sight, knowing the younger will appreciate the pace later.

Soonyoung walks the smaller to his room as if it’s not a step away from his own just so he can give him another kiss at the door, reassuring the younger that he didn’t regret tonight. That tomorrow they’d wake up and still be able to kiss some more. He detaches himself from Chan almost forcefully, looking over his shoulder once more before he’s stepping quietly into his own room and shutting the dorm back into darkness.

When he’s safely in his bed and under the sheets, Soonyoung allows himself to exhale.

  


**January**

2019 is a rush of preparation and performances once again, they’re New Years completely impersonal with the abundance of shows and performances. They’re only able to slow down as the month comes to a close, the remaining weeks hectic but manageable.

Soonyoung’s able to slip his tongue into Chan’s mouth on less occasions than he’d like, pulling him into the bathroom at the most inconvenient times. And the younger is more than happy to oblige, being the more forward of the two when it came to the progress of their intimacy. He’s the first to slip his hands under the now grey haired male’s shirt, quickly shut down so as to not push the moment too far (and because the older is sensitive and horny and more in love with the kid than the smaller can imagine).

The rest of the group becomes aware of the relationship _actually_ forming a week after their first kiss, Seungcheol more or less outing them for staying up so late and “canoodling”. When they both become so unnaturally red and flustered that Chan has to get up for some water, Seventeen laughs. More like chortles, actually. “I was kidding”, the leader says between tears, Vernon leaning over to high five the other rapper. Jeonghan is the only one to stay quite, shooting a toothy grin at Chan before looking down at his lap and smiling to himself. That’s how Soonyoung realizes that this longtime crush of his maybe wasn’t so unreciprocated. He wants to bring up former feelings during their short times together, but the moments are so fleeting that they can’t waste any of their makeout time on deeper questions.

Chan’s age shows itself now more than ever, the feelings that come with first loves rushing through him, overwhelming his small body. He want Soonyoung all the time, craves his attention and warmth. They haven’t done anything really, not even rushed frottage on the couch, but Chan still wants so much of what they have so far. _He doesn’t even know,_ Soonyoung thinks sometimes after his own alone time, finding the younger’s innocence and inexperience adorable. The gray haired man never takes it further, though, not until he knows Chan wants it completely. And really the kisses is all the older needs, just some form of affirmation that he wasn’t going crazy with unrequited love.

They get a few hours alone on the last days of January, spending it watching movies and snuggled up on Soonyoung’s top bunk (with the rest of the boys also in the room, of course). They’re giggling and sneaking kisses, and Junhui even catches a hushed moan before he and the rest of the boys slip on their ear buds. _Black Panther_ has just been added to Netflix, so they’re supposedly watching that, except Chan keeps getting distracted by the way the older is trailing kisses down his neck. He’s also got his hand under the younger’s shirt, resting his warm palm on his tummy. The maknae has half a mind to shut his laptop and kick the other boys out of the room, but he’s not so horny that he wouldn’t feel terribly guilty about it after. Soonyoung is another story completely, his own cock filling ever so slightly every time Chan sucks in a quick breath. He’s ready to take the relationship to the next level, ready to show Chan how much he worships him.

He settles for these gentle touches, though, not wanting to scare or pressure the younger in any way. The age difference is never more evident than now, the notches on Soonyoung’s headboard far surpassing the younger’s. He forgets that the soft kisses and bare skin touches are big steps for a 19 year old. So he waits until he’s given the green light to go forward, savoring those sweet moments for as long as he can.

The older’s brought out of his thoughts by a gentle pressure on his chest, finding those small tan hands on him. “Yeah, baby?” He asks, head still buried in the crook of Chan’s neck.

“Are you my boyfriend?” The younger asks quietly under his breath, the words floating in the air for a bit until Soonyoung finally understands what has just been said.

How, after almost _two months_ , had his intentions remained unclear? The grey haired dancer is unable to hide how baffled he is from his features, his head snapping to stare at the smaller’s awaiting gaze. And he hates that he made him question himself, caused him to hesitate. There’s nothing he wants _more_ than to be Chan’s boyfriend.

“I’d really like to be.”

And just like that, he is.

 

**February**

They confess this month because of course they do, both their most busy time of year and the most lovely. Seventeen takes it down a bit, the new song slow and romantic and totally reflecting the blossoming love in the household. While Chan and Soonyoung are in their honeymoon phase, Jeonghan and Seungcheol are back in their tumultuous relationship, the two gravitating toward each other like magnets. And it’s their loud _reunions_ that spurs the movement in the dancing couples own romance. Chan has never been more determined to get alone time with his boyfriend, feeling only slightly embarrassed that his own agency comes from hearing his hyungs rambunctious sex life. And it’s really the perfect timing, the day of love _and_ Chan’s 20th birthday happening only days apart.

They get the tiniest of breaks on Valentine’s Day, the managers letting them off early to do as they please (also extremely irritated by the constant PDA of the two oldest members). Seungcheol surprises Jeonghan with a hotel room, and bottles of wine, hauling his singing prince into another taxi as soon as they get home. They don’t even bother to dress up, Jihoon speaking for everyone when he says “ _Why_? They’re just gonna end up on the floor anyways”.

Half of the other boys left go out for dinner, formulating to themselves some stupid plan to just get the couple's discount like three times. The only ones left are Jihoon, Wonwoo, and Minghao (of course), preferring to take advantage of the unusual quietness in the house, and lock themselves in their rooms. Luckily for Chan and Soonyoung, they’re able to get a room all to themselves for the evening, a sort of late birthday present from the other’s for the younger. And Chan intends to utilize this alone time wisely, asking Jeonghan and Joshua weeks in advance what a nice present would be for his loud and hyperactive boyfriend. And it’s difficult for the singers to come up with a gift for the oldest dancer when they still see Chan as the baby of the group, throwing out cliche things like chocolates and flowers to avoid saying too much. The surprise and panic on their faces would be funny if Chan wasn’t so offended, letting them know that yes, he was accepting (and hoping for) ideas involving sex. They’re not much help in the end, Jeonghan almost sobbing at the loss of his angel’s innocence.

Chan is pretty impressed with what he comes up with alone, though, checking himself up and down in the bathroom mirror. He’s just finished putting on some light dewy makeup (the only thing his hyungs actually provided guidance with), puckering his lips and tasting the strawberry tint. He watched Hansol tousle his hair for a bit earlier today, so he knows what do with his own tonight.

He’s got on his gift for Soonyoung (which is really just a gift for himself), and he wouldn’t ever call himself sexy but _wow._ It’s a big black crew neck he designed online, a meme-y picture of his boyfriend plastered on it. It’s quite funny actually, probably even funnier if he were to have worn pants with it. But he’s not. You can’t tell from looking at him, but under the baggy sweater are some very lacy and tiny baby pink panties, a little ribbon rose placed right under his belly button. Both Joshua and Jeonghan had waited in the car, silently sulking to themselves, but Seungkwan had happily lead him into the high end lingerie store.  The older boy obviously knew his way around, surprising Chan and everyone else in the car.

The look around for a while, all the more scandalous and intricate pieces a bit too much for the 20 year old, even if he was the more forward one in the relationship. He doesn’t want a full get up, perhaps too big of a leap for him and Soonyoung. The thongs are appetizing, but he wants to save something like that for maybe something like his boyfriend’s birthday, when they’ve already had sex.

Seungkwan drags him along through the store, listing off to him the things he needs to do before the special day, looking up his wax girl’s contact number. Chan never would have guessed that his hyung was this adventurous, he hadn’t even realized the blonde was seeing someone. It’s not too hard to guess who it is, though, the maknae hiding his blush behind his knuckles when he catches the older eyeing a red, white, and blue lingerie set (Chan’s also sure to let him know that Hansol hyung probably wouldn’t be into that).

The panties he chooses are simple and comfortable, the fabric soft again his fingertips, and just revealing enough that Soonyoung can get his hands around the dancer’s supple behind.

Back in the restroom, Chan turns around and oggles his ass over his shoulder, still feeling odd from that wax and spa treatment Seungkwan treated him too. He gives himself one more look over, admiring the simple pedicure he also got with the boys. His feet are usually disgustingly roughed up, years of dance training riddling him with callouses. It’s nice seeing his toes look so kept and soft, the pinkness of them kind of adorable.

And he hopes more than anything that Soonyoung will like what he sees, prays that he’ll at least appreciate the effort. Chan is ballsy and a little fireball, but he’s never put his heart out there like this, never presented himself in such a vulnerable fashion. There’s nothing he wants more than to show the older that he really does love being his boyfriend.

He steps out of the bathroom on shaky legs, tiptoes pass the other boys so they don’t peak out their slightly ajar doors and see what he’s wearing. He slowly opens the door to where Soonyoung is, this time on Chan’s bottom bunk. He’s already got the movie set up, some lovey dovey film that the older swears by, ever the romantic. When he catches the younger’s head peeking in, he quickly scurries off the bed, grabbing something from inside the closet, “Wait, baby. Don’t look.” And it’s too late, the smaller has already caught a glimpse of the scattered take out bags filled with what he assumes to be Chinese food from his favorite restaurant. He can also see what his boyfriend is bringing out, an excited laugh bubbling in Chan’s throat. It’s flowers and candy, of course, but very specific to the younger’s tastes. It’s a bag of various Japanese sweets in one hand, and one large potted orchid, Mama Lee’s favorite plant. It’s really heart warming that Soonyoung remembered, and he almost forgets that his boyfriend probably hasn’t caught what the younger is wearing yet. He’s already placed the gifts in Chan’s hands when he finally spots the design on the oversized black sweater, doubling over in laughter at the stupid face he’s making in the picture.

“Oh my God, Chan, where did you get this?” The older says in between tears, settling down a bit when he notices that the smaller isn’t wearing any pants. He tries to hide the abrupt stop under a cough, “It’s really cute, baby.”

The brunette flashes him that signature brilliant smile, straightening out the collar, “Thank you, I made it myself.” He’s thankful for the reaction, his nerves subsiding. Soonyoung tugs him in by the waist, the younger placing his sweater paws on the taller’s cheeks. “Happy Valentine’s Day.” He says gently into Chan’s ear, causing a line of goosebumps down his neck just before their lips finally meet in the softest of kisses.

They eat on the bed like heathens, brushing the crumbs off before they both slip under the light wool blanket. The movie is over three hours long, so they’re less than halfway through by the time they finish their food. It’s _Titanic,_ the most classic love story. For a bit, Chan almost feels like paying attention, being probably around a decade since he last saw it.

Of course, he has other plans, though, especially on Valentine’s day.

Jack and Rose are long forgotten by the time the ship sinks, Soonyoung’s shirt somewhere across the room as he sucks hickeys onto his whiny boyfriend’s neck. It’s getting pretty steamy, but the older hasn’t travelled south yet, hasn’t gotten a feel for what’s lying underneath the long sweater. They’re not even there, but the gray haired man has already had to stop a few times to adjust his sweats, palming himself a bit before continuing. Chan wishes he could do that for him, realizes that, oh yeah, he definitely can.

There’s a fire under his butt begging him to get the ball rolling. “Baby, get this off of me.” He’s referring to the jumper, the only thing standing between him and Soonyoung’s wandering hands. “Yeah?” He responds, sounding more like a question and uncertain than he’d like. He looks up at the younger once before nodding to himself, taking his time with pulling the offending garment over the brunette’s head. And he doesn’t catch the surprise immediately, going back to Chan’s neck for just a brief second when the tips of his fingers finally make contact with the lacy fabric.

He pulls away like he’s been burnt, pushing himself up, hair dishevelled and looking _so_ appetizing to Chan. “What do you think?” He says, tilting a bit to the side so his boyfriend can get a good luck of how immaculately the underwear hugs his ass. He’s being such a naughty tease, but he can see Soonyoung’s erection from here and it’s giving him a world of confidence. He knows the older well enough to decipher that the baffled expression is definitely not one of disgust or offense. He's opening and closing his mouth like a fish, watching the way the 20 year old slightly wiggles his ass. He's at a loss for words, and is only slapped back into reality by his boyfriend's innocent giggle.

Chan one hundred percent knows what he's doing to the other man, and Soonyoung _would_ like to play the game with him, but he's so goddamn horny and surprised right now. There's a million questions running through his head, but the only one he really wants answered is how the fabric feels against his palms. It’s been comically long before he’s made any kind of movement, so he surprises them both when he actually follows his thoughts, running both his hands up the younger’s thighs before placing a firm grip at his waist. He finds Chan so sexy it’s almost ridiculous, those fucking legs and that soft tummy bring the death of him.

Chan blushes at the attention he’s getting, his boyfriend following the seams and intricacy of the underwear so thoroughly. “You look so good in these, Chan, _fuck_.” The man is mesmerized, the smaller giggling at how tenderly he touches him, not exactly the treatment he was hoping for tonight.

“I got them for you, baby.” The maknae say in his most sultry voice, his eyes darkening. He tucks his bottom lip under his teeth when he hears the rush of air leave Soonyoung’s mouth, his expression going from thoughtful, to bafflement, to understanding, and finally back to lust. He uses Chan’s legs to bring him forward, settling them around him, pressing them as close together as they possibly could with the older knelt on the bed like this. He lifts Chan into a sitting position by his chin, searching for something in his eyes that the younger had no experience in. The smaller has stopped with the flirtation for the moment, having no clue what his boyfriend was getting him ready for.

“I love you.” He voices into the stillness of the room, warm with the ambiance from the film still quietly playing in the background. He’s looking at Chan so tenderly and bare that the smaller knows he’s telling the truth, Soonyoung’s vulnerable side almost never coming to light. His usual ivory skin is blushed pink, skin dewy and romantic. He looks like a dream.

“I’ve been in love with you for _fucking years,_ Chan.” The youngest twitches slightly at the words, their virility shaking him. He’s so unprepared for all of this, a night of passion replaced with drama and over emotion. He’s not upset, quite the opposite actually, but he doesn’t have any prior knowledge to run on. So much intimacy and devotion is completely foreign, sex and long winded romances the last thing on his mind this time last year. He’s speechless, just like Soonyoung was earlier.

“You don’t have to say it back, baby, of course you don’t.” The older boy says, rushing to console the struggling maknae, cupping his chubby cheeks with the warmness of his palms. “I’m sorry if this is unexpected, or too rash, but I didn’t think we could move forward without getting that off my chest,” he runs his thumb around the younger’s bottom lip, pulling it from under his teeth, “You look gorgeous tonight, baby. Please don’t worry.”

But Chan isn’t worried. At least he doesn't think so. He’s just trying not to think about the gravity of the confession, that someone (someone older nonetheless) has managed to fall in love with him. The brunette’s definitely an adult now, his future rushing to console him, pulling him completely onto his lap.

“Soonyoung,” the younger mostly whispers, just loud enough to grab the older’s attention. His eyes are back on him, the maknae’s hesitation twisting at his insides. “Are you gonna break my heart?”

It catches the grey haired man off guard, anxiety and uncertainty so foreign coming from Chan’s lips. He’s not sure where his warped perception of relationships comes from, but it’s his duty to reassure him, to prove the little demons in his head wrong.

“No.” The older states firmly, concise and unwavering, “Never, Chan.”

And it's all the confirmation the brunette needs, wrapping his arms around his lovers neck, slowly lowering them back onto the mattress, Soonyoung’s weight a warm comfort. He wants to finish what he started, and not just because he had already put so much effort into the gifts. It feels right, to let Soonyoung have him completely in this moment, to give him something as special as what he’s given Chan.

So they’re back where they were, the smaller gasping into the air as the older trails hot kisses down his neck. Soonyoung is bold when he lifts the beautiful tan thighs to wrap around his waist, but Chan is even bolder when he uses his toes and the balls of his feet to push the sweats there down. He struggles a bit with the waistband, so the taller pulls away for just a second to help him out, his erection snapping up and gently grazing the brunette’s inner thigh. It’s Chan’s first time seeing another man’s penis (besides his own siblings, of course), his curiosity a bit shameless. It’s so much different than Chan’s own, it looks _masculine._ He understands that Soonyoung is a completely different person than the goofy and always hyperactive Hoshi, but his boyfriend in the bedroom is someone else entirely. His eyes are dark and looking down at him, lust and desire clouding over his usual playful side. And his cock is no representation of who he is, either, standing proud and veiny amongst a heavy bush of black curls. It’s red and leaking, the thickness and surprising length almost pulsing with arousal. Chan’s oral instincts want to feel and taste it on his tongue, but he doesn’t think his hyung could handle that right now, not when just kissing and heavy petting have him on the brink of his orgasm.

He wraps his fingers around the base experimentally, praising himself when the older curses into his neck, biting down so as to not scream. If he were to glance down and see that chubby hand stroking his member, he knows he’d be a goner, deciding to preserve his longevity by sucking marks onto the neck below him.

“You’re so big, hyung.”

And the self control is thrown right out the window, Soonyoung moving to suck the younger’s tongue back into his mouth. Chan doesn’t relinquish his grip, though, testing out the waters and moving his fist from base to tip.

“Baby, if you want it to be good you’re gonna need to stop that.” And the brunette finally lets go with teasing smirk on his lips, placing his hands safely on the older’s shoulders.

“God, you look so sexy in these,” he says, eyeing the panties as he begins to trail his kisses downwards, gently sucking on his prominent clavicle before reaching one of the brunette’s more sensitive areas. And Soonyoung is a _fan_ of his boyfriend’s nipples, rosy and puffy, asking to be sucked on. So he happily obliges, teasing them to hardness with the tip of his tongue then puckering his lips over his work. The baby pink panties don’t have a chance after that, the front soaked with precum, the leaking cock poking it’s head just past the waistband. Chan has never gotten like this, didn’t even think his body was capable of it. He’s almost crying now, cursing and wrapping his legs tighter around the taller’s hips. The brunette watches intently as his boyfriend suckles on the sensitive area, playing with the gray sex tusled hair. He’s overwhelmed by how tight his lower body feels, can’t think that anything has ever felt as good as this, hints of teeth teasing the sensitive nubs.

And Chan wants more, wants everything with Soonyoung. He pulls the older boy off, his lips glistening with spit and eyes glazed over in pure adult desire. “Wait,” he stops, pulling away from the maknae’s grip, “I’m not done with you yet.” The smaller wants to ask what he means, but is quickly shut up by the trailing kisses, making their way down from his nipples toward his belly button. And he hates that area, his stomach toning in all the wrong ways. He isn’t chubby, not at all, but there is no recognizable definition. Years of dancing have had the reverse effect, leaving him soft and small. Soonyoung kisses his tummy nonetheless, looks up at him through hooded eyes as he trails his tongue down to his pelvis. “I’m going to leave these on, okay? Just for now.” referring to the wet lingerie, moving to grasp at his hardness through the fabric before Chan can even respond.

He’s shaking now, both of absolute bliss and of nerves. He’s shy about that region, Soonyoung being the first and only person to get a good look at it. The younger has no idea how he could possibly keep the underwear on until his boyfriend is spreading his legs with steady hands, bending them at the knee, feet planted on the mattress. He reaches for the crotch of the panties and slips it to the side, visibly restraining himself from reacting to the sight of his baby’s hole, “When did you get this done?” He asks, referring to the little swollen, hairless rim.

“Yesterday evening, when the boys and I went out for dinner.”

The older chuckles to himself, enthralled by the way it clenched and unclenched around nothing, “So you prepared?” he asks, voice teasing.

“No, but I was hoping the underwear had some kind of effect on you.” And _ohhh, did they ever._ He kisses the inside of Chan’s thigh as an answer, smiling when there’s a gasp from above. The thin material can barely contain the younger’s arousal, Soonyoung just being a helping hand when he slides the fabric further to side, allowing his pretty pink cock to slip right through. Chan moans so deliciously when he feels the heat of his boyfriend’s breath on his member, his legs twitching in anticipation.

“Your dick is so cute, baby.” And perhaps that’s not what a 20 year old guy wants to hear right before getting head, but Chan’s entire body blushes, the little whine he releases reassuring to Soonyoung that he hasn’t offended him. It isn’t small per se, probably average, but _very_ aesthetically pleasing (at least to the older). He’s got much less pubic hair than himself, probably due to some pre trimming (if Soonyoung had known they would be doing this tonight, he probably would’ve tamed himself down there as well). His cock is mostly straight, that added with the fact that he was circumcised making it look almost porn worthy. And luckily it was the perfect size for his mouth, looking up at Chan one more time before tasting the tip.

Chan curses so loud, that there’s an audible door shutting somewhere down the hall, the younger so far gone that he doesn’t even acknowledge it. He may have some kind of kink but the noise spurs Soonyoung on, quickly taking the entire head into his mouth. There’s a gentle “oh” as Chan tries to focus on not cumming, the sensation of Soonyoung’s warm mouth around him too much for his small frame. The taller man handles him so that his knees are resting on his shoulders, stroking those thick addicting thighs as he takes more of the younger into his mouth.

He can take Chan entirely into his mouth without really deep throating, his dick literally the perfect size for Soonyoung’s capability. The boy under him is gripping onto his pillow with white knuckles, pants and moans filling the once peaceful ambiance. The noises coming from the bedroom are absolutely filthy, Soonyoung thriving on his boyfriend’s own pleasure. Chan is gently thrusting his hips, asking for something the older’s sure he’s not ready for. The gray head pulls off with a pop, kissing the tip one more time before bending the tanned legs further, knees almost parallel with his chest. His baby’s _flexible_.

Chan quite literally screams when the older dives into his opening, grasping onto those gray hairs tightly as he sloppily licks into him.

 _“Oh god, oh god, oh god_ ! Soonyoung, that feels _sooo_ good.” He gasps into the air, loudly hyperventilating. His boyfriend is a pro at eating out, both men and women under his repertoire. Chan doesn’t want to think about who those other people are, but he’s almost thankful for providing the older with live subjects so that he could come back and do _this_ to the younger. He makes broad strokes with his tongue, massaging over the puckered hole before sucking as much as he can of it into his mouth. Chan hadn’t realized he was so sensitive there, the few times he has masturbated with ass play comparing nothing to right now. His legs are getting tired from being pushed so far up, but the pain is forgotten when Soonyoung stretches the panty to it’s limit and reveals more of  the supple flesh. He knows his boyfriend loves his butt, reaching a hand down to gently squeeze it whenever they’re making out, and right now he has it all to himself. He grips it forcefully, spanking him a few times, pulling and tightening the little hole around his tongue.

Chan thinks he can cum from this, he _knows_ he can. He’s pulling himself together when Soonyoung slowly backs away, kissing his rim once before looking up at the maknae, letting his legs slide down to his waist. He’s utterly debauched, his hair completely skewed to one side, chin soaked in saliva. Chan knows it may be gross, but he wants to kiss him like this, a thank you for making him lose his damn mind.

He misses the heat of his boyfriend’s mouth on his hole for only a moment, “Babe, can I finger you?” quickly changing his mind.

Chan’s contemplative for a second, nearing complete madness. “Yeah. I think you should prep me.”

Soonyoung’s brain must have short circuited because he stares at his boyfriend for a long time after, Chan having to pat his shoulder with his foot to bring him back to life. “Yeah. Yeah, okay.” He’s about to start spreading his legs again, when he hesitates, turning back to the younger, “Are you sure about this? You know what that means, right?”

He should be offended that Soonyoung thought he was just using sexual terms without actually knowing what they meant, but he _really_ wants to have sex right now. He motions for the older to come up, reeling him in and kissing the life out of him. His boyfriend’s cock is hot and wet against his thigh, his belly burning with how much he wants it inside of him.

“Hyung please, _please_ fuck me.”

Soonyoung doesn’t waste any time getting back to work, Chan giggling when the older struggles to take off those damn panties, flicking them to the other side of the room. They’re finally completely bare, only sweat and skin between them. Chan’s losing his virginity soon, he’s going to have sex with his boyfriend who’s _in love_ with him. And he feels happy, incredibly so. Everything feels right.

The first finger doesn’t feel like much, the younger having a bit of experience with getting just one digit up there. It’s the second one that has him hissing, his hole much tighter than he thought. He senses that Soonyoung is thinking this as well, his jaw clenching at the fit. The older kisses the sweat off his brow, cooing at how beautiful he is into his ear. They aren’t really a cheesy couple like that, but the words are comforting, exactly what Chan needs to get used to the stretch.

It starts to feel good as soon as Soonyoung moves them in and out, the pads caressing that special spot inside of him that he hadn’t realized was so powerful. He gasps into the older’s mouth, unable to properly kiss him with how much he was moaning, begging him for _more._

The third finger is what hurts him. Not extremely so, but enough to have Soonyoung worrying. He slows down his movement, and resorts to rubbing gentle circles around Chan’s swollen prostate. After a while it works so well that Chan’s pulling at his own hair, thighs quivering. Soonyoung can tell he’s about to cum, gripping onto the base of the younger’s dick to stop it, not quite done with preparations

“Please, Please, _Please,_ Soonyoung. I'm ready, I’m _so_ ready. Please _fuck_ me already.” He can feel tears falling into his hairline, understands that he’s _begging_ from somewhere at the back of his mind. But he wants to be filled more than anything, doesn’t care that he sounds like audio from a porn.

Soonyoung thrusts his fingers a few more times before pulling out, placing shaky arms on either side of Chan’s head. He hikes the younger’s legs higher up his waist, putting his entrance at a perfect angle. He let’s instinct drive him forward, doesn’t realize he’s pressing into him until Chan’s face squints in pain.

It hurts for sure, but Soonyoung is going _unbearably_ slow. The younger takes it upon himself to sink further down, gasping when he almost makes his boyfriend bottom out. He moans loudly, the feeling of being stuffed so completely overwhelming. It feels odd, and after a while the pain is merely a dull ache. It doesn’t feel good quite yet, but Soonyoung is reaching down to stroke him. His hips make the slightest of movements when he shifts, stimulating Chan’s swollen prostate. He’s gasping before the older even reaches his dick, hurriedly breathing out, “I’m ready, baby. Move now, _please_.”

Soonyoung has no time to react, the younger is sliding up and down, bouncing his ass on his cock to try and get some friction. “ _God_ , kid, you’re gonna kill me.” He says before placing both fists on the pillows and snapping his hips forward, a long drawn out and thankful whine ripping from Chan’s throat.

Soonyoung’s had the idea to make love to him for their 1st time for a while, planning out rose petals and chocolate covered strawberries for the big day. He should be used to Chan’s surprises by now, though, the little firecracker begging and crying to be fucked harder.

The grey haired man is thrusting his hips with force now, the entire bunk bed thumping against the wall with vigor. There’s a tiny voice in his head feeling sorry for their other housemates, but Chan is clenching his hole and clawing at his back, the sight too beautiful to stray from.

He watches his baby, head thrown back, back arched, fingers desperately grasping at the pillow. His hair is a complete mess, tears running down his scrunched up face, lips puckered and pouty. It may be because he’s seconds away from the best orgasm of his entire life, but he’s feeling nostalgic right now, reminiscing on the days when he first realized he was in love with the boy beneath him.

He feels bad for being with Minseo for so long, feels bad for trying to push him away when his feelings were unsure. Maybe they could have been doing this much sooner. It feels so right right now, though, like they were supposed to get together on Christmas, supposed to finally have sex on Valentine’s Day.

He’s struck with so much love and adoration for the boy that he has to clench his eyes shut, not willing to be embarrassed for crying when he cums. He gives himself props for holding out as long as he has, he might even be able to make Chan cum first.

At that thought he speeds up the snapping of his hips, maneuvers those toned legs back over his shoulders. He’s deeper now more than ever, and Chan is screaming behind his palm, repeating a mantra of “ _yes, yes, yes_ ”.

His thighs quiver right before he cums in ribbons all over his and Soonyoung’s chests, eyes rolling to the back of his head for a moment of absolute euphoria. The older’s moving to pull out, but is stopped by the tightening of Chan’s legs around him, refusing to let him go. “No,” he mutters dreamily, eyes still glazed over post orgasm, “I want you to cum inside.” And Soonyoung has a half a mind to remind him that they’ve gone sans condom and it’ll be a bitch to push the release out of him later, but he doesn’t get the time too, his own orgasm coming after only a few more rapid thrusts.

Soonyoung cums so hard he forgets how to breathe, groaning roughly into the other's shoulder. His whole body is numb, his limbs feeling like lead. He’s not completely in his own head, oblivious to the fact that he’s completely draped over the younger. Chan hasn’t complained yet, though, caught up in his own haze of pleasure. They’re both gasping for air, exhausted from all the activity. They could quite literally fall asleep like this, dumb and sated post orgasm.

There’s a few voices in his head reminding him of a few things; 1. He had just taken Chan’s virginity, and 2. He had done it sans condom, his heftier load probably dripping out of the younger at this very moment. It was uncommon knowledge that idols (well at least those in Pledis) went to the doctors periodically, the sexually active ones requiring STI testing once every few months. Soonyoung’s last one was in November, and he hadn’t has sex since, so he knows for a fact he’s clean. Chan had not brought up condoms at any point during sex, though, a bit of guilt rising in the older’s chest when he realized perhaps that was _his_ job, seeing as he was the more experienced.

As they come back to their senses, the fluids moistening the comforter under Chan become more and more uncomfortable, wiggling to move from his place, his heavy older boyfriend still laying on top of him.  Soonyoung quickly receives the message and shifts, pulling the smaller to lay on top of him instead.

“I shouldn’t have gone in raw, Chan. I’m sorry.” He says while rubbing circles onto the smaller’s lower back, dipping gown to feel the wetness of his thighs. Chan giggles into his clavicle, kissing the bruise he forgot he had left there earlier. “You have your clean test results pinned onto your cork board, babe. I heard you showing them off to Mingyu and Seungcheol hyung when they came in that day.” Soonyoung laughs at that, forgetting about the stupid competition they had going on, behaving like douchey frat boys on occasion.

The older relaxes into the sheets after that, trying to put off getting up to clean for as long as possible. He’s rinsing a cloth in the adjoined bathroom five minutes later, though, Chan scolding him when he attempted to feel some of his own release still in the younger’s hole. Maybe it was a kink, he reasons, discovering a lot about how nasty he actually is tonight.

He wipes his boyfriend down gently. Turning him over and up like he was incapable of movement. Chan feels like the baby everyone teases him to be, finally okay with the label when it’s in regards to his boyfriend tenderly caring for him.

They settle down once again on newly clean sheets, and there’s so much being left unsaid in there. Chan knows that he’s reached a milestone in his life, understands the gravity of what this means for his and Soonyoung’s relationship. He feels like he’s on a cloud right now, though, no worries or comeback shows or tours in sight. It’s nothing but him and his boyfriend who _loves_ him tucked together under layers of blankets, drifting off into oblivion.

All the answers to his question could be answered tomorrow. There was always tomorrow.

  


**March**

The entire month of March is a flurry of searching hands and heated breaths, doors constantly locking. Whether it’s the adrenaline of the new world tour or remnants of Valentine’s Day passions, the Seventeen boys have paired up and made a hormonal mess out of the household. It’s to be expected, being maturing men and all, but the coming of Spring has really made the sexual tension blossom

The managers can barely handle the group, a mandatory meeting on safe sex practices and the proper ways to use a condom being scheduled for later in the week.  Soonyoung doesn’t want to toot his own horn, but he’d like to think the chaos was inspired by his and Chan’s own sex life, the full reign of their honeymoon phase taking over.

And it makes sense. They’re _in love_ . When people are in love they have sex, _a lot_ of it. He should have known that the maknae was a firecracker in every sense of the word, the loss of his virginity a mere catalyst for who he would become. And Soonyoung is never one to deny him, not when he waited to be like this with him for over a year. He had dreamt of getting to bend him over kitchen counters and sinks, masturbated to the same image of Chan screaming as he rode him. Now that it was all real, he realized how much he had truly been missing out on.

Chan is _loud._ Soonyoung had always seen him as such a tough kid, always trying to prove to everyone that he was more than his size. All of the soft labels they attempted to stamp on to him were viciously rejected, cringing at being anyone’s baby or wearing the more ridiculous outfits stylist suggested (he always drew the line at one set of overalls a month).

All of that translated into the bedroom, the rules and limitations always set by the younger. If he wanted to sneak off at practice for a quickie in the supply closet, Soonyoung was there, hurrying them away and lifting his boyfriend up against the cramped walls in record time. It was important to him that Chan got to feel like he had a say in his own sex life, the young age often scaring many other’s into submission. Regardless of how much older his boyfriend is, he was never one to be bossed around, not until he literally _asked_ for it. Soonyoung understands that he’s still young, but he feels like he’s in highschool when he’s with Chan, right on the edges of his sexual awakening.

Things only begin to settle for the two (and the rest of Seventeen) as the month comes to a close. There’s hasty preparation for the upcoming tour, and Chan can see the weight pressing down on his boyfriend’s shoulders. He’s head choreographer, the most responsible for the dance routines of every old and new song. And Seventeen has _a lot_ of songs. The younger thought he was used to seeing him like this, stressed out of his mind and losing his temper with the members, but it feels different now, more personal. He knew something like this would happen when they got together, the question of whether or not Soonyoung could coach and critique properly if he was intimately invested with someone in the group.

Chan was rarely yelled at beforehand, told by many that, after Soonyoung of course, he was the best dancer in the group. So it’s easy for him to stay out of the older’s line of rage, doing the only thing he can as a boyfriend by relieving some of dance leader’s stress when they were away from the studios, pressed up against wet tiled walls.

It still hurts watching the others be scolded, though, sometimes a bit viciously. He understands that there’s a mountain of anxiety placed on Soonyoung to retain Seventeen's status as the most in sync group, that knowledge preventing everyone else from speaking out. The only person to truly say anything is Seungcheol, but when the two butt head, they hit _hard._ There's been a few screaming matches that they’ve all tried hard to forget, the most dominant pair ruthless when it came to each other.

They had fought recently which is why Soonyoung had been picking at the group all day, refusing to let them go until the moves were solid.

It’s some deep seated threatened masculinity perhaps, because Seungcheol states a firm “No” at the question of staying for another hour.

“Are you _serious_?” His boyfriend starts, “Do we look ready to you?”

“Soonyoung, we still have a few more days, you're being crazy right now. We’re going home now, and that’s it.”

The rest of the group is silent, even Chan has stepped a few feet back. No one wants to say anything, not wanting to start a war, but they don’t want to stay and practice more, either.

There’s a glare match going on currently in front of them, the members waiting to see what Soonyoung would respond. And knowing his boyfriend, knowing how surprisingly malicious he can get when he’s frustrated and upset, it’s probably going to be something increasingly nasty. The other’s seem to sense this as well, a few of them sending Chan a look, begging him to step in. He knows it’s cause they think he can bring Soonyoung down, but it doesn’t feel like his place to step in at the moment. Nonetheless the stares continue, waiting for the dance leader’s only weakness to cool things down.

So with an audible huff he steps between the two, rehearsing what he’s going to say for about a minute before the silence becomes unbearable. “Hyung, maybe Coups is right. We have been at this all day. I think we’ve run ourselves too ragged to be able to improve anything right now.” And Soonyoung’s scowl visibly softens, but he doesn’t move from his predatory stance, holding his opinion strong.

“Chan, please. We need to get this right before we leave. We can manage one more hour.” The younger can tell he’s trying to sound extra reasonable, for his boyfriend’s sake, but it’s not the response anyone is looking for.

“But everyone’s tired, Soonyoung. The hour really isn’t going to do anything. We want to go home.” He can see that it’s getting physically harder for the older to restrain himself, his eyebrow furrowing.

Soonyoung wants to respond, can see his petty side breaking free, but a pleading look from the younger shuts it all down instantly. “Ok.” He mumbles under his breath, wincing and clenching his fists when the other’s cheer and leave the room in a stampede. Seungcheol hesitates for a bit, resting a heavy palm on the younger’s drooping shoulders, “Thank you, Soonyoung. It’ll be better tomorrow, I promise.” And he leaves without a second glance, joining a doting Jeonghan at the door and disappearing from sight.

It’s just Chan and the older in the room now, the maknae holding tightly to his sudden braveness as he waits for his boyfriend to finally make a move. And he doesn’t get one, flinching at a painful and forced smile the older shoots him before he side steps and exits the room, leaving Chan alone.

 

Soonyoung is silent the entire ride back, a stormy cloud dampening the groups mood. They all practically run out of the car as soon as it pulls up to the dorm, leaving Chan to take careful steps behind the still angry performance leader.

Today they’re the last in line for showers, Chan fearing that the older would choose a different partner for tonight. It’s a completely unfounded worry, but the younger still releases a breath when he’s being led by the older into the bathroom.

The newly black haired Soonyoung gets everything ready silently, answering Chan’s questions with sharp “yes”s and “no”s. When they’re finally under the hot water spray, the older’s shoulders visibly relax, tilting his head up at the stream. He looks gorgeous. Mopey, but gorgeous. Chan loves his hair like that, dark and slicked back, cursing the slight stirring in his tummy from seeing him like this.  

And only because Soonyoung loves him more than anything does he reach for his tiny waist, resting his forehead on the crook of the shorter’s neck. And it’s because Chan loves him that he runs his fingers through the soaking locks, scratching at his scalp, hopefully draining the stress out of him.

“I’m sorry about today.” He says, just loud enough that the ravenette can hear him over the running water.

“Don’t be,” he responds onto Chan’s skin, “You were right. We weren’t getting anywhere.”

The younger lets the wet strands slip from his fingers, wrapping his arms around his hunching boyfriend’s neck instead. “I hate seeing you like this, baby. I know you’re stressed, but you can’t take it out on us like that.”

He can feel the taller’s shoulders tense, leaning away from Chan and making space between them. “Chan, you can’t understand what I go through. This pressure,” he’s continuing to step away, “it _fucking_ sucks. All the dance preparation, our _fucking legacy_ is all on me. I’m managing 12 people, all at the same time, and still have to keep a patient face when the camera’s are on which is _all_ the time now.”

The younger knows the anger isn’t directed at him, but it feels awful when his boyfriend pulls away so hastily, powerless to Soonyoung’s own demons. “But your not alone, hyung. You know me and the other guys are always here to help.”

But Chan can tell that he’s lost him, the distance between them huge for such a tiny tub. “I know, baby, but no one can help me with this,” he says, referring to whatever was going on inside of himself, “All you can do is listen when I say we need more practice. You’re my boyfriend, Chan. I need you to take my side on things like these.”

He reaches for the soap without another word, finishing quickly with hair conditioning and body wash so he can leave the tense atmosphere. Soonyoung knows that if he were to look at Chan right now, he’d break down all these barriers he’s trying so desperately to keep up, their foundation crumbling ever since they got together.

Without another word, he rinses what’s left of the suds from his body and steps out of the tub, leaving the younger to watch helplessly.

The feelings don’t leave Chan for the rest of the night, settling in his own bunk alone for the first time in months.

 

**April**

Perhaps the saying about April showers is true, maybe the bad times are just a precipice for wonderful and blooming days to come.

Chan tries hard to remember that, takes the empty spot on his bed as evidence of a better tomorrow. Except nothing gets better after the first two weeks, and Soonyoung is still answering his questions with as minimal communication as possible. His boyfriend’s temper was something he’d known about long before they got together, a surprising character trait from someone so usually wonderful and silly. And while the older wasn’t necessarily ignoring him or being mean in any way, it still hurt Chan that all he got before going to bed was a kiss on the forehead and a longing glance. The man was stubborn, refusing to be the first to speak up. Chan was no better, though, declining being the first to break the tension when he had nothing to be sorry for. It was a circle of pettiness and missed chances.

To make matters worse, today was the first leg of their tour away from Korea, the first stop being on the other side of the world. Seventeen got the big Brazilian stadium this year, the hotel they would be staying at a popular tourist destination. And Chan had done his research before hand, amazed by the websites pictures of what was to offer. The European styled rooms each had a view of the beautiful Copacabana beach, special packages featuring dinners and performances right on the sand.

The maknae couldn’t help but feel resentful that all of this had gone down just as they would be heading to somewhere so beautiful, a place that could be the epitome of romance. It had been a good idea to look up the hotel beforehand, because now there was fire under his butt to make up with his boyfriend before the end of the day. Soonyoung could be a stubborn as he’d like but there was absolutely no way he wasn’t seeing the irony of going to such a perfect honeymoon spot when he was mid lover’s quarrel.

The stylists usually pack up everything they need for them, focusing on performance and tourist wear, the only real thing the boys having to worry about being their airport outfit and what they would be sleeping in. Even then, they would be buying _a lot_ more stuff at every country, the manager's usually advising them to pack light so there’s room for everything coming back.

Chan has decided to go rather laid back this morning, changing from his real pyjamas into very high end brand sweats. He looks extremely comfy, maybe a bit too much considering he was some kind of public figure. He combs down his hair a little bit, but doesn’t add any product, choosing instead to hide it under a black cap. He takes another glance at himself in the mirror and realizes that he may actually be looking a little depressed, just a sad guy in Gucci. It’s kind of an aesthetic, so the only thing he changes are his shoes, opting for some actual sneakers instead of his slides.

He leaves the bathroom, unsurprised to see that most of the boys were dressed very similar, hiding new hair colors and bed heads under black hats. It’s expected with such an early flight, 4AM not a time of day when you wanna go full glam.

Chan wants to be coy by walking around and asking members if they’re ready, but there’s only one person he really wants to know about. He finds his target still in his room, trying on different denim jackets, all of which worked well with his casual attire. He’s just wearing a white-tee and black jeans but he looks endlessly sexy to Chan. It’s lost on a lot of people how tall Seventeen actually is, only seemingly average because they had a giant like Mingyu in the group. But the entire hyung line were each nearing 6 feet, his own boyfriend included. The black jeans accentuated that, the long line of his legs enticing to the smaller.

Chan misses getting to communicate and laugh with Soonyoung more than anything, but he can’t deny that he also _really_ misses his dick. They had rapidly gone from sex at least 4 times a week to none at all, their 14 days of celibacy slowly killing the younger. He hasn’t even been sexually active for a long time, barely this year, but intimacy with his boyfriend had quickly become one of his favorite past times.

He forcefully pushes thoughts of sex to the back of his mind, the much larger hurdle of actually _talking_ with the older still a feat that needed to be conquered.

“Good morning, hyung.” He says from the doorway in what he thought was a neutral tone, the older jumping a bit in surprise.

“Hi, baby.” He manages under a tired smile, Chan appreciating the little effort. He takes it as an okay to step into the room, shutting the door just a bit so no prying eyes can peek in at the progress. Soonyoung seems to decide on a jacket just as the younger steps in, giving himself one look over before turning to face Chan. The younger giggles at the turned up collar, stepping closer as he smooths down the unruly fabric. It feels odd, flirting with his boyfriend again after everything, but it’s not awkward.

Soonyoung pulls away with a smile to sit on the edge of someone’s lower bunk, bending over to slip his shoes on. Chan knows that he’s probably using it as a distraction, following the older to to the bed. He stands right in front of him as he leans down, refusing to give the ravenette the chance to run away. Soonyoung sighs at the carpet, hesitantly finishing tying up the laces of his boots and finally looking up at Chan. Now is the worst time to have this conversation, but the chattering and chaos outside provides a nice ambiance in the dimly lit room for this. Plus he can hear Joshua yelling at Hansol for misplacing something so he assumes they have time.

“I’m sorry,” the older says from the bed, surprising not only Chan but himself, “For everything.”

He brings his hands up to grip at the smaller’s waist, bringing him close so that he can rest his head on his tummy. Chan knows that if he spoke now he’d break Soonyoung’s line of thought, so he runs his hands gently through the still humid strands of hair instead.

“I let my own issues get the best of me that day, and projected them onto you.” He’s a bit muffled since he’s speaking mostly into Chan’s abdomen but the younger can still make out the words so he remains silent. “When I realized how pig headed I was being, it had already been long enough that I was way too embarrassed to come up to you and explain myself. I kind of just hoped things would work themselves out.”

The brunette chuckles a bit at that, “But you never even spoke to me!” Soonyoung follows his laughter, looking up at Chan with a warmness in his eyes. “I’m kind of a huge baby, Chan. You should know that by now.”

The air is light after, Soonyoung hugging the smaller to his chest, still sitting on the edge of the bed. “I missed you,” he mumbles into the fabric of Chan’s shirt, “So much.”

And Chan wants to cry at the tenderness, at the apology, at everything, but the sound of an already pissed off Seungcheol is ringing through the house, hurrying the stampede of boys out of the dorm.

Soonyoung doesn’t get to kiss him then because Jun is coming in and dragging them out of the room soon after, but he replies with his own “I missed you, too” once they’re warm and stuffed into vans headed for the airport. The drive is much shorter with his head resting on his boyfriend’s shoulder, both watching the city move by them.

 

The flight is long and utterly exhausting, the only perk being that they manage to catch up on lots of missed sleep while on route. Chan and Soonyoung dont’t get to sit together but they send each other cutesy emojis and flirty texts the entire time, Wonwoo shutting out the constant giggling by turning completely away from the younger. They finally both fall asleep somewhere over the Pacific ocean, sleeping peacefully for the first time in weeks.

They have one transfer before they’re on a direct flight to Rio de Janeiro, the couple taking the opportunity to kiss behind a phone booth, separating only when departures are being announced over the intercom. Another quick nap and they finally wake up to the night lights of the South American city, the time change reading just past midnight. They flew for almost an entire day, their legs crying of joy when they’re finally able to get off the plane.

Everyone’s in awe at the sights, the city obviously still up and running if the light traffic was anything to go by. They’re only here for two nights, scheduled to leave the morning after the concert tomorrow, so there’s not much that can be done but eat at a local authentic restaurant and get some decent sleep on an actual horizontal bed.

They go with the rest of the group to eat, but Chan is antsy with how excited he is to get back to the hotel. He’s quick to rearrange the rooming situation, promising both Mingyu and Minghao free coffees for their services. It may be to soon for sex, but he at least wants to get the privacy so they can do whatever they want with each other for the night. Soonyoung’s room has a beautiful view of the ocean, and he’s too much of a romantic to not want to make love right by it.  

The older’s roommates, Seokmin and Jihoon, have also readily agreed to the room switch, choosing being a little tight with the other two in two queens over having to deal with the lovebirds as they try to muffle themselves into their pillows.

Seungcheol instructs them all to get to bed after dinner, prohibiting any late night wanderings. There isn’t too much of a fuss after, most trying hard not to fall asleep over their dinners.

And Chan is tired, too, a part of him debating whether or not it was best to just hold their reunion until tomorrow night after the concert. He can imagine that he’d be much more exhausted then, though, the adrenaline of the night always crashing heavily onto him after.

He’s still contemplating his options when they make it back to the room, Soonyoung immediately throwing their luggage on one of the beds and running to the bathroom. Chan is too stunned by the room to laugh at him, the main window nearling taking up an entire wall. The beds are big and spacious and he almost feels bad for kicking out the other two boys. The younger moves to open the blinds, just enough so they can watch the waves and city lights from their bed.

He’s brought a few pieces to make him look a bit more enticing to the older, but the thong just doesn’t seem right with his hat hair and eye bags. He makes quick work of the hair issue with some travel size dry shampoo, but he leaves his face as is, too lazy to dig through his makeup. Chan reaches for Soonyoung’s bag when an idea springs up, taking one of his more baggy nightshirts and quickly throwing it on. The black anime tee paired with his gray briefs make for pretty casual sleepwear but also work in seducing his boyfriend since his toned thighs are on full display.

Chan tries his hardest to sit cutely on the bed, legs tucked under him, hands resting on his lap. Soonyoung comes in fawning over the softness of the toilet paper, walking right past a rosy cheeked maknae. He’s kicking off his shoes and struggling to peel off the dark skinny jeans, pink, indented thighs hidden underneath. All he leaves himself with are his red checkered boxers and his white undershirt, presumably ready for bed.

Chan is definitely not getting his message across, the threat of not having sex tonight lingering over his head. While Soonyoung has his back to him, searching through his canvas for what he assumes is his night time cream, the younger quickly slips off the tight underwear, his boyfriend’s shirt just barely covering his ass and front. He sits back in his sultry position, his butt resting on the heels of his feet.

Soonyoung doesn’t spare him a second look, though, ranting about how the chicken from dinner must not have been cooked right. He flops down next to Chan, and turns to the opposite side, scrolling through his phone.

“Babe, do you see the remote anywhere?” He asks, still not looking up, “I think I’m going to need the TV on to fall asleep.” And luckily Chan does see the remote, reaches over only slightly to quickly turn the television on. “Put on some kind of sitcom, I can’t with the news reports.” And again, with an exasperated sigh, he picks up the remote and begins to flick through the channels, stopping only when his boyfriend lets out a satisfied cheer.

“Also, Chan?” The younger turns happily, hoping that this was the moment, “Could you close the blinds? The outside’s kind of scary.”

The younger sighs, his patience (and hormones) wearing thin. His butt isn’t visible when he begrudgingly gets up and walks to the blinds, but an idea strikes as he reaches for the cord. “Let me know how you want it.” He asks, _mostly_ referring to the blinds.

When Soonyoung finally looks up from his phone, he’s thoroughly surprised by the wonderful view of his boyfriend's back side, _his_ shirt riding up as he stretches for the window. _Had he not been wearing underwear this whole time?,_ he asks himself, the longer the younger takes to adjust the blinds, the more aroused Soonyoung becomes.

“Oh my _God_ , Chan.” The ravenette says aloud, his voice sounding strained and out of breath. The little minx doesn’t even spare him a second glance, shooting a teasing smirk over his shoulder and turning back to the window. The older is much too horny to play around right now, pulling the blankets off of him and heading for the window, full erection in tow. He throws his shirt off before reaching the dancer, pulling him to his chest by the waist.

“Come to bed, baby.” He murmurs into the shorter’s ear, hot breath causing a line of chills down Chan’s spine. He’s not quite done with his game yet, though, pressing his ass back against his boyfriend’s already hard member, “But I thought you wanted me to close the blinds?” The older moves a hand around him, grasping at Chan’s own growing arousal. The younger sucks in a quick breath, feeling the shake of Soonyoung’s head from behind him.

“I’m not scared anymore.” And the line is much too smooth and impressive (especially coming from his boyfriend) that Chan _has_ to turn around, wrapping his arms around the taller’s neck and kissing the smug smile off his lips.

Soonyoung wastes no time in hiking him up against the window, the blinds pressing into the younger’s back for just a second before he’s being carried to the bed. The brunette knows they won’t last long given how horny and repressed they’ve been for the last weeks, but he still reaches for Soonyoung from his place on the bed and immediately gets on top, tracing kisses down his ivory chest.

“Chan, you don’t have to.” The older says from above his head, more worried about cumming too quickly than Chan’s capability. He’s gotten head from the younger a few times, but it had never gone too far, the sight of the maknae’s big fox eyes and button nose looking up at him too much for the older to handle.

The brunette is licking at his pink nipples like a kitten, flicking his tongue gently over the hardening nub. He looks his boyfriend in the eyes, determined to show how much he _wanted_ to do this.

Soonyoung is desperately trying not to breathe so heavily, surprising even himself with little squeaks of pleasure. His cock is red and leaking, the contrast of it against his dark bush and the whiteness of his skin almost poetic. Chan bumps it with his butt a few times, the tilt gravitating toward his hole every time. The younger can feel the wetness on his ass, taking it as his cue to make his way down.

The older has no qualms about blow jobs, the only person he’s ever enjoyed giving oral to being the younger, a lot of that having to do with the intense need to pleasure him. But otherwise, it’s a very unattractive task, the guys that Soonyoung’s had before knowing to only ask for it on special occasions. It’s a bitter salty taste that usually makes the ravenette gag, that mixed in with the head of a dick so close to his uvula a recipe for disaster. It’s cheesy to say that it’s different with Chan, but it really is. It’s pink and straight and a perfect length. As salty as the taste still is, it’s easy to ignore it under the primal need to make the younger cum. Soonyoung has even swallowed his release, something he never did for ex hook ups and boyfriends.

So of course he’s always cautious when the younger wants to reciprocate (which is becoming increasingly more frequent). That and his inability to hold out when Chan is going down on him, those dark eyes through hooded lashes making his palms sweaty.  It’s hard having sex when you’re so in love, Soonyoung only having to do it like twice in his lifetime. There’s deep feelings involved, much more than just physical attraction. As much as much as he loves Chan’s plump little butt and his pink puffy nipples, it all feels like so much more with the younger. Even now, as tentative kitten licks are placed on the head of his cock, the familiar tightness is already in his tummy. It’s his baby down there, wanting to pleasure him. Although his fox eyes are cloudy with lust, the innate affection is still there. It’s all so intimate.

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Chan.”

It takes them both a minute to register what has just been spoken, Soonyoung’s stomach dropping to the floor when he realizes he’s just said that out loud. He regrets it instantly, the younger stopping his ministrations from below. The ravenette curses their age difference once again, needing to remind himself that he shouldn't share things like that with Chan yet, an unnecessary weight on his adolescent shoulders.

But the brunette doesn’t seem upset at all, at least not yet. He’s contemplative, releasing the tight grip he has around Soonyoung’s member. His eyes twinkle a bit before he finally smiles, crawling up to meet the older’s face like a cat. He plops his butt over the still leaking cock below him, the older hissing at the pressure. It settles between Chan’s cushioned cheeks, the younger seemingly oblivious to the distress he’s causing.

He leans down to push back the damp hair from his boyfriend's forehead, settling his hands on his rising chest. “You know how I feel about you, Soonyoung. You _have_ to.”

And maybe he does, but he remains silent, scared to break whatever courage Chan was running off of. “You know how much I love you.”

It’s the first time he’s ever voiced it out loud, the weight of the confession pumping Soonyoung’s heart to twice its size. There’s a bitter, angry part in the ravenette telling him the younger couldn’t possibly know what love is, but a louder more dominant voice is filling his brain with fireworks, celebrating.

He cups the younger’s face, bringing him down to eye level. He doesn’t want to respond, doesn’t want to confirm that he _knows,_ so he kisses him instead. Languidly and open like they do when no one is watching. The feeling of sex in the air is static but not gone, always present when it came to Chan. It’s much more important to kiss right now, though, to make up for all the lost time that they weren’t together. The younger licks into his mouth like he’s had years of experience, giggling when Soonyoung presses them closer with a firm grip on his bare ass.

It’s _beautiful_ , the way they work so well together. The scene right now was evidence of that, two boys completely nude and worshipping each other on satin sheets, a soft ambiance from the TV and the moonlight from the big window against the ocean illuminating their features.

They make love like Chan had wanted eventually, but it’s nowhere near the best part.

 

**May**

Their midway through their tour, and right in the midst of their second honeymoon phase. It’s nice to see fans every night, an amazing feeling knowing they were loved so universally. It’s also nice getting to kiss the life out of Soonyoung when the shows are over, nice that he has a home always with him thousands of miles away from Korea.

And Soonyoung is _home._ His scent, his touch, his voice, his _cock,_ the inside of his mouth, his heart. There’s warmness in Chan that he hadn’t felt for so long, loneliness following him throughout his youth. The hole that would be temporarily covered by constant training and debut was permanently sealed shut, a man from Namyangju responsible for that.

They aren’t cheesy like that most of the times, though, teasing and fooling around with one another just like before. Chan still steal the caps off Soonyoung’s head, ruffling the hair the stylists tried so hard to tame.

 

The younger pulls him into a shop in Houston to buy him a new hat, some novelty piece with the American flag and big bold letters that he spotted from the window. Their bare faced and dressed comfortably, so fortunately nobody recognizes them. Chan’s even wearing his glasses, something Soonyoung showed his appreciation for earlier this morning.

The little shop is pretty empty, probably one of the less popular tourist attractions. Everything is wood and Southern, and a completely different world for the two foreigners. It’s quaint, figurines and knick knacks populating the small shop. There’s an old lady with white hair at the cash register, paying them no mind as she wipes down glass cases.

The song playing quietly overhead is something old and country, neither of the boys recognizing it. They look around for the cap that was on the window display, the obnoxious one that had caught Chan’s eye. When he spots them by the huge antlers mounted on the wall, he pulls his boyfriend quickly toward them, laughing at how ridiculous they look all mounted on each other.

It’s probably mean to laugh at one of the for sale items, but the younger is cackling as he snatches one off the racks, leaning up to place it like a crown onto the older’s head.

“Wow, you look beautiful, babe!” He chuckles into the palm of his hand, trying his hardest to seem serious. “ _Made in the USA”_ it reads, standing out greatly against the stars and stripes. It’s oversized and tilted, Soonyoung’s pout under the brim the best part.

“Oh yeah?” The older says, the teasing glint back in his eyes, “Do you think it’s _sexy_?” He approaches slowly, a predator after it’s prey. Chan is nodding his head in agreement, “Definitely. I’m getting all flustered.” He swoons into Soonyoung’s chest, playing his best damsel in distress. The older’s smoulder finally breaks at that, giggling loud and shrill. Chan has arms around him in a second, tipping the hat down to hide their faces from the wandering eyes of the cashier as he kisses the ravenette. It’s small and chaste, but it feels like an act of rebellion, being intimate like this in public.

He’s still in his head, and a softer song is playing from the speakers when they finally make it up front to pay. This one's nicer than the other, the woman agreeing as she hums along.

Chan asks her for the name of it in his broken English as more of an apology than an actual need to know, noticing the lady watching from afar as they laughed at the various merchandise.

“‘ _Will you love me in December as You Do in May?’._ It’s a classic, sweetheart.”

The title strikes him a bit, something in his tummy jolting. He pays for the items nonetheless, his hands shaking as he hands over what he hope is the right amount. They thank her both in English and Korean before they leave, Soonyoung boldly reaching for the younger’s palm right before they reach the exit.

The older says something to him about being hungry and looking for a Chinese restaurant outside, leading the way through the crowds.

Chan is unable to shake the feeling for the rest of the day, what he remembers of the song repeating in his head like a mantra.

 

**June**

Soonyoung’s birthday surprise is a quiet event. The only people attending are Seventeen and staff, the celebration lost behind comebacks and tours. The only thing they have prepared is cake from the dancer’s favorite bakery, and his favorite person dressed as a hamster giving it to him.

It’s not like Soonyoung isn’t expecting it, the same ritual given to each member every year. He almost even forgets about his special day, new choreography and a rampant sex drive preoccupying most of his time. He isn’t shocked by the balloons suddenly in the living room, doesn’t blink at the streamers and smell of candles burning. The ravenette fakes reluctance as Junhui drags him out of his room, wearing his best t-shirt only by “coincidence”.

He isn’t surprised to see the boys huddled around each other and singing completely off tune, but his boyfriend in the middle of the circle with a fluffy onesie and a lit cake was a welcomed gift. He looked adorable, little ears and big googly eyes adorning the hamster attire.

Soonyoung doesn’t even realize that they’ve finished singing the song, a nudge to his side reminding him to blow out the candles. And he’s got a stupid, brilliant grin of his face when everyone comes in for a hug, Seungkwan and Mingyu planting big wet kisses onto his chubby cheeks. Even Wonwoo and Jihoon are affectionate, the former lifting him up into the air.

He catches glimpses of his boyfriend watching him from afar, a big toothy smile under fuzzy ears and big frames. He vaguely recalls himself in a similar position a few years back, watching his love from the back of the room as they’re adored by others. The irony is lost to him under the happiness of the moment, though, pushed to evaluate when he wants to be sappy and emotional and poetic and in love at a later time .

Chan waits for everyone to settle down before he takes his turn, finally approaching Soonyoung with a soft smirk and hands behind his back, crossing his legs at the ankles as he walks toward him.  

“Happy birthday, babe.” And Soonyoung is too entranced by that face to notice the frosting covered finger quickly coming at his face, doesn’t pull away until there’s vanilla cream all over his cheek.

“You little brat.” He says, never taking his hands off his waist, doesn’t even hesitate to pull him in and kiss the smile off his face.

The other boys swoon and hoot, as if they’d never seen them kiss before. The younger pulls away before anything gets heated, following the rest to the dining table and settling on the birthday boy’s lap. There’s an air of affection from everyone as they watch the lovers feed each other cake, Jeonghan complaining to Seungcheol from somewhere about not feeding him like that.

Chan had always been the youngest in the group, even when he became an adult to the rest of the world. It was odd going from the baby to this, one half of the group’s couple. He was an individual, and everyone knew he was, but now he was a part of something new and it felt different. Different, but not in a bad way, definitely not.

Soonyoung is whispering into his ear from below him, nuzzling his nose into the crook of his neck as he reminds him how much he loves him. Things settle down after the candles are blown and the cake is gone, the rest retreating to their rooms with one last happy birthday to the dancer. Chan and Soonyoung remain in the kitchen long after, kissing and laughing to their heart's content,

Things have changed since June last year, a movement that has shifted both their lives forever. The finality of their relationship is too fast and reckless, but for now, it feels right. Soonyoung’s the first person Chan has ever been with, his first everything. It scares him with how okay with that he is, with the idea of only being with Soonyoung for the rest of his life.

They're in too deep, something from the depths of their consciousness tells them, too much too quickly.

But they’ll grow and move together, hoping for the best every step of the way.

They both are unsure of how long the happiness will last, but they make the crazy decision to go with it anyways, to live in the moments as they come.

Right now, in the dimly lit kitchen with balloons and rainbow streamers scattered everywhere, the radio on quietly in the background, kissing each other like it was their first time, the love seems everlasting.

**Author's Note:**

> Wooo, ya'll made it to the end! Please please comment and critique, it warms my tiny heart. There's room for both a Jeongcheol fic in the same timeline, and/or a sequel, so if yall are interested pls let me know :) 
> 
> I know this isn't the most popular ships, so I appreciate y'all even clicking on this fic. thank you so much for reading !! Find me on tumblr @hansolandboo


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